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Safety Report

3/20 A student who reported his car stolen from the Ketter Lot later found it in the Jacobs B Lot.3/20 A student was referred to the Student Wide Judiciary for failure to drink alcohol at a fraternity party.3/20 A female student was taken to Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital from the Center for the Arts after she had a nervous breakdown.3/21 Harry Weiest was arrested for reckless driving, speeding and resisting arrest on Hadley Road.3/21 A male student caught masturbating in the Lockwood Library was taken to Millard Fillmore Suburban Hospital for treatment of a right arm injury and was referred to the Student Wide Judiciary.3/22 An underage student was referred to the Student Wide Judiciary for failure to conceal his alcohol correctly.3/23 An unknown person was arrested and charged with every crime ever committed on campus.3/23 A student was referred to the Student Wide Judiciary for use of the word "dorms" while in a Spaulding Quad hallway.3/24 An unknown person sprayed graffiti on a wall in the Student Union.3/25 Thomas Leacker was arrested for stealing the street sign from the intersection of Goodyear and Michael roads.3/26 An unknown person broke into five dorm rooms in Richmond Quad and stole a variety of personal property.3/27 A student was referred to the Student Wide Judiciary for excessive use of the word "dorms" in the Safety Report.3/27 University Police settled a dispute between two workers arguing over a mop.3/28 An unknown person attempted to steal a purse and its contents but was assaulted by the woman he attacked.3/28 An unknown person stole an unattended police car from the Bissell Lot.


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"Students Read Only Safety Report, Personals"

A recent study conducted through a joint effort between the mathematics and English department found that a large amount of paper is being wasted on student publications because of limited interest in each periodical."We concluded that of the three major student newspapers, all that was really needed was about four pages a week," said surveyor and professor of mathematics Michael Blanchett.Surveyors conducted an exit poll at the recently concluded Student Assembly elections to "get an adequate amount of student input" regarding The Spectrum, Generation, and Visions, said Blanchett.


The Spectrum
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Misplaced Invite Costs Bulls Tourny Bid

A failure of communication with the National Collegiate Athletic Association bid committee, headed by director Greg Christ, has apparently caused the UB Bulls men's basketball team to miss participating in this year's National Invitation Tournament.


The Spectrum
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This and That

Due to the editors' interest in leaving the office early, the following editorial shall not rely on research and facts.


The Spectrum
NEWS

McDonald Named Artist of the Year

He's been revered and mocked, emulated and ridiculed, and called everything from a visionary to a lunatic.But Ronald McDonald's contribution to the world of contemporary art has been undeniable, and Friday, April 5, he will be honored as UB's Artist of the Year in a ceremony to be held in the Drama Theater of the Center for the Arts.In the closest vote in the history of UB's Arts Council, a panel composed of 20 full-time professors and five graduate student representatives, McDonald edged out current leaders in the art field such as Joseph Kosuth and Cornelia Parker.The decision was not an easy one, according to Linda Yaw, a printmaking professor and avid McDonald supporter."Several professors felt very strongly opposed to giving such an honor to a controversial artist like Ronald.


The Spectrum
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Mullet Mulled as Option for Students

Starting April 1, the stylists at Roseanne's Hair Shop will offer a saucy spring special sure to appeal to campus trendsetters: 50 percent off all mullet cuts.Located in the Commons, Roseanne's usually gathers quite a bit of business and lately, more students have been looking to trim their coifs into the ever-popular style from the '80s."It got frustrating," said sophomore philosophy major Zack Taylor, "because I was looking all over town to find some shop that would be willing to cut me a decent mullet, and half of the barbers looked at me as if I had two heads.


The Spectrum
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Scoreboard

UBSpring Break Beach VolleyballDrunken Mexicans vs. Drunken Fraternity Brothers - game postponed due to "Corona infections."Intramural Floor HockeyKwang Tang 5, Chiefs 2Doesn't that Kwang Tang team ever graduate?Local Pro TeamsAll games canceled due to the intense depression that has overtaken the city due to the complete and utter failure of all of Buffalo's pro sports teams to accomplish anything.


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Report: Are You One of Them?

When Carl Mosley brought up his DARS report Sunday afternoon, what had been an otherwise dreary return to Buffalo following a vacation in sunny Cancun was brightened by an unexpected surprise on his screen."I thought I'd have kids before I'd get that junior/senior science requirement out of the way," said Mosley, a junior civil engineering student at UB.


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"Buildings to Fall Down, Go Boom"

Cooke and Hochstetter halls, home of UB's pharmacy and biological science disciplines that have been slowly sinking several inches each year, finally began to visibly collapse when many students were on spring break"I have to admit, we saw this coming for quite some time now," said Michael Dupre, associate vice president of university facilities.


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New Look for New York in 2004

In a news conference on Saturday, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue talked with the media, voicing his intentions to combine the New York City's two professional football teams, the Jets and the Giants, into a single franchise."With the advent of re-alignment, and after talking with the owners of both franchises, we thought maybe it was time for a change," Tagliabue said."Strangely enough, it was my 12-year-old nephew who asked me why New York [City] has two teams.


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"Defeated Candidates Use Words, Weapons Against Victors"

Last Friday, the UB Students' Party, who were overwhelmingly defeated during the Student Association elections two weeks ago, held the winning Results Party hostage for 18 hours in 350 Student Union, the SA office.The party threatened to tie SA President Christian Oliver to a giant dart board and harpoon him unless the Results stepped down from their positions, provided $367 worth of "stickers for condoms" and handed over newly-elected SA Vice President Jennifer Brace's superb pair of spike-heeled leather boots."It was the most terrifying experience of my life," said Oliver.


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"Engineers Crack Up, Seize Bert's Diner"

Several engineering students, enraged by overwhelming workloads and the near-total lack of women in their major, seized Bert's diner by force late Monday afternoon with an array of makeshift medieval weaponry.


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Sidelines

Doug FlutieThe San Diego Chargers quarterback's mullet will wind up in the National Football League Hall of Fame some day, the NFL announced Monday.


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Center for Teaching Incompetency

Last semester, Vice Provost for Academic Affairs Kerry Grant revived the Center for Teaching Effectiveness; designed to improve mediocre teachers' lackluster performances through critiques of videotaped lectures, workshops to impart better teaching techniques and lessons designed to familiarize faculty with technology designed to enhance the educational experience, such as the Internet.


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Study Proves Lefties Victims of Handicap

A study released today by UB's Center for Cognitive Science Research has determined that left-handed people display significantly lower intelligence levels than right-handers.The study, conducted over a three-year period involving over 5,000 subjects ages 10 to 65, utilized various IQ, reasoning and logic competency tests to determine whether left-handedness affects intelligence."We're not trying to say that left-handers are dumb, just that they are dumber than the norm," said the study's founder Dr. Michael Schroeder, who specializes in hand rehabilitation.On average, the left-handed people who participated in the study scored 40 percent lower on the competency tests than right-handers.


The Spectrum
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Crime Spikes After Bulls Games

University Police announced Tuesday that a surge in post-game crime after UB sporting events is directly related to an increase in parking tickets handed out in 2001-02.The announcement comes after a season in which muggings, car break-ins, and vandalism were rampant after the conclusion of both football and basketball games.Attendance at both UB football and basketball games increased this year, resulting in an all-time high in the amount of cars parked on campus after usual class hours were over.


The Spectrum
NEWS

Greeks Fill Putnam's with Lively Conversation

The Putnam's food court teemed with members of UB fraternities, sororities and two men's varsity athletic teams for several hours Tuesday, dominating the central dining area.The group occupied most of the food court tables, dividing itself largely by gender and Greek insignia.


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New Courses Make Life Worth Living Again

A long-standing student complaint - boring classes and tedious professors - is, at last, being addressed by the University at Buffalo."Classes like 'Flirting' will not only entertain students and keep them awake, but they'll also be invaluable to the student, both during and after the collegiate years," said Kerry Grant, vice provost of academic affairs and dean of the graduate school.The new courses, available next fall, range across four or five departments and cover topics such as: Academic Bluffing (APY 501); Sowing Dissent (COM 501); Basic Deathmatching (CSE 496); Flirting (ATH 401); and Vices 1, 2 and 3 (UGC 501, 502, 503).After informal studies showed student dissatisfaction with current course offerings, the administration decided to follow a less traditional solution."We sat down and talked to target groups, tried to get a feel for what the students wanted," said Dennis Black, vice president for Student Affairs.


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