???Only two days after misplacing his beloved iPhone, SA President Peter Grollitsch is trying to move on and get back to the everyday grind.
???"It's been hard," Grollitsch said. "I mean, that phone was more than a phone for me, it was like a really special device that was like more than a phone. You know?"
???Grollitsch lost the phone during a Monday morning class. He maintains it most likely fell out of his baggy sweatpants while he was slouched in his seat taking a nap.
???"I don't even remember what class it was. There's this girl who is kind of cute and looks pretty easy so I usually go with her to class and talk to her about my iPhone and being the SA President and everything. It's kind of impressive stuff," Grollitsch said.
???Despite Grollitsch's class misplacement story, there are conflicting accounts of the cell phone loss. One source, who asked to remain anonymous, claims to have stolen the phone from Grollitsch about two weeks after running him down on Main St. and punching him repeatedly in the face.
???"Yea, I've got the phone. It's funny, he's only got four numbers in here. It's just kind of sad when you think about it. I was walking down Main and I saw him waddling along, so I chased him. He was pretty easy to catch because he can't run fast for obvious reasons. As soon as I caught up with him, he started crying and whimpering. I was just going to ask for directions, but that pissed me off, so I punched him in the face and took his stupid phone. They're overpriced anyway," said the anonymous source.
???Grollitsch's iPhone relationship began nearly two years ago, upon his first of two elections as president.
???"I bought it with the students' money as soon as I got in and I've just been adding applications ever since," Grollitsch said.
???The senior has earned a reputation for his constant iPhone usage. According to SA Vice President Ashish Abraham, at one of his three DUI hearings, Grollitsch not once looked at the judge, instead adding the infamous beer pong application to his phone.
???"I was sitting there with him because I had to drive him, and he was sitting there clicking away on his iPhone. It was one of the rudest things I have ever seen in my entire life," said Abraham.
???Despite these allegations of rude behavior, Grollitsch maintains that this is part of the SA lifestyle and for the betterment of the students.??????
???"Listen, I got elected and now I am responsible for doing a lot of things, like money things, and so I always need to be connected. So, you know, that's the reason I need my phone. Like, I really need it," Grollitsch said.
???When asked why he did not simply buy a new iPhone, Grollitsch described how time-consuming it was to add applications.
???"I've literally been at meetings and heard nothing that was going on because I was trying to figure out how to add these apps."
???Last semester, Grollitsch attended a meeting between SA and Visions concerning Josh Boston's green pants, mediated by the Almighty Chancellor of Buffalo, Robert "UB 2020" Pape-Simpson. Throughout the entire meeting, Grollitsch had a text fight with a girl he was trying to sleep with. He lost both the text fight and his campaign to have sex with the girl.
???"Yea, that guy spent the entire time texting. If he had anything to say it would have been offensive. However, it was his double chin that was ultimately far more distracting," Pape-Simpson said.
???When asked about his actions in this meeting, Grollitsch mumbled and talked about a local bar of some kind.
???With graduation and the future of his tepid political career looming, Grollitsch seems far more concerned with the iPhone. When asked about being a lame duck, he answered in relaxed fashion.
???"Lame duck? I don't know about that. I mean, I'm not a duck, I'm a human. Have you seen my iPhone?"
*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
