I challenge anyone to find a city in America with worse drivers than Buffalo.
If, perchance, I was kidnapped and blindfolded, I think that I would be able to identify my surroundings as Western New York, simply because of the poor drivers inhabiting this area.
There is nowhere else in the world where you would see a woman speeding in a work zone, while talking on her cell phone, eating a sandwich, passing in the right-hand lane and declining to use her turn signal.
So, I've compiled a list of the top three trademark Buffalo driving moves. It may serve as a reference guide for drivers of the greater Buffalo area in the future.
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"The Buffalo Left Turn." This may be the most easily distinguishable of all Buffalo driving maneuvers. In areas outside of Western New York, the driver puts on his blinker to denote his readiness to turn left; slows down; if there is a turning lane, he uses it; looks for oncoming cars; and makes the turn. The angle of turn is about 90 degrees, making the operation's shape look like an upside-down L.
Now, the Buffalo Turn is a different animal. The driver sees where he would like to turn left and is drawn to it. He has no time for silly or useless directional indicators. He begins the turn about 100 feet before the desired street, cutting across traffic, and for a good deal of the maneuver, is actually driving in the oncoming lane. Turning lane? "No thank you," says the Buffalo driver. The angle of turn is about 30 degrees, making the maneuver's shape look like a straight line.
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"The Buffalo Merge." The Merge is a tough one to master, but the Buffalo driver cannot take all of the credit on this one - it is also a result of the poor craftsmanship of Western New York's highways, which are as well planned as this season's Saturday Night Live. It was genius to place the on-ramps before the off-ramps. That way, all of the automobiles are fighting for the same space; cars trying to merge are colliding with cars trying to exit.
The Merge, which can be cross-referenced with "The Buffalo Slam on the Breaks," is a move where cars try to enter onto any of the expressways, for instance, where the 90 splits to 90-E and 90-W. The Buffalo driver pulls into moving traffic and seems to have successfully merged, but then in an effort to move over to the far left lane, stops in the middle of traffic. Swerving and rear-ending ensues.
- "The Friendly Wave." This entry is not necessarily a Buffalo maneuver, but I thought it would be useful for the Buffalo driver to know it existed. In other areas of New York - particularly Syracuse and Albany - this move thrives.
The premise to this is simple. Let's say that there is a ton of traffic on Niagara Falls Boulevard - I know, we're going out on a limb here - and you, the Buffalo driver, are trying to get into the flow of traffic. Some kind driver lets you into traffic. This is not your right as a driver. They didn't have to do it - it was nice of them - all I'm asking for is a little wave. A tiny little courtesy. A thank you.
Last time I visited a friend in Albany, I got four friendly waves in a 10-minute drive. I was letting people in left and right, just to get the wave. After four years in Buffalo, I have become wave-deprived.
There are variants on the wave, as well, to denote the driver's level of gratitude. There is the original wave, a simple raise of the right hand and slight wave side to side. There is the "Out the Window" wave, where the driver gives the original wave out the window to make sure the other driver is aware of the maneuver. Then there is the "Thank you, thank you, thank you" wave, which often happens when a driver waits for a long time to get into the flow of traffic or desperately needs to get into another lane. Often this wave is a conglomerate of the previous waves, whereas the driver does not feel satisfied with the original or the "Out the Window." Additional gratitude includes mouthing the words "thank you" as an added bonus.
The saddest part is that I am becoming part of the problem. I sat down to write this guide before my own bad driving steals what's left of my good judgment. This may be my only chance to document the truth, before Buffalo-like driving takes over my soul. This is hard for me to share with you, but I feel like it's my obligation.
Over the last four years living in Buffalo, I have developed a terrible habit of backing into inanimate objects. Anyone who has seen my car understands that there is a $700 dent in the passenger side fender, which will not be fixed until I strike it rich in the next Megaball drawing. Allegations that I backed into a metal pole, a parked car, and managed to sideswipe my house while I tried to back out of my driveway are all completely true.
Heed my words, UB. Educate yourselves and live in the memory of good drivers across New York State. It's not too late for you.
