Disclaimer: All of the following information and quotes are completely and totally false. That is, I made them up. In other words, they aren't true.
Having recently attended a coaching seminar in Friendsville, Pa., hosted by the National Association of Nice People, Coach Hofher announced a new "positive reinforcement" strategy for the Bulls this weekend. "Going forward, our players will receive stickers for each yard gained," Hofher said Saturday.
Campus Residents Vow to Walk to Class
In light of the ongoing parking crisis, students who live on campus have signed waivers foregoing their right to drive to classes. "Hey, what's a twenty minute walk in 10 degree weather, really?" said an unidentified sophomore residing in Fargo Hall. The sophomore continued to sympathize with students who commute to campus: "I mean, it would totally suck to like, not be able to find a parking spot at all!"
Lockwood, Capen Libraries to be Remodeled
The days that Capen hall's undergraduate library will boast sprightly orange tables, purple couches, and lush green carpeting are numbered. A university official, wishing to remain anonymous but uncannily resembling President Greiner was reported saying, "(The library) turns my stomach. Just walking by it on the way to work makes me want to puke."
