Commander-in-beef (cake)

The following is a satirical column.

Discussion of past commanders-in-chief typically surrounds their background and policy stance. 

But the important question is: how hot are they?

Barack Obama

44th President

Obama is probably the hottest president on this list.

He’s 6’1” and was born in Honolulu, Hawaii. Obama’s warm smile and friendly eyes set him apart from the rest.

The 58-year-old’s hair started to turn grey during his first term, but it didn’t do much to impact his hotness. Obama aged well. 

Obama is a dog person, an athlete and an eloquent speaker. 

Rutherford B. Hayes

19th President

Rutherford B. Hayes doesn’t get the credit he deserves for being a hot president. Although seeing photos of him during his term may seem unconvincing, he was definitely a hottie during his youth.

Born on Oct. 4, 1822, Hayes was the 19th president of the U.S.

He looks very similar to actor Eddie Redmayne, standing at 5’9” with thick hair and big eyes. Although the photo of a young Hayes alone is substantial evidence of his attractiveness, his intelligence is also quite damning. Unlike other presidents, Hayes was a lawyer who graduated from Harvard Law School in 1845. His successes in law and opposition to slavery is what led him to the Republican Party, and eventual presidency. 

Theodore Roosevelt

26th president

Big arms. Thick mustache. Hardcore environmentalist. 

And I’m not talking about the Brawny man. 

Theodore Roosevelt is quite the man’s man, but that doesn’t stop him from having a soft side. Nothing is cuter than a teddy bear, except maybe the president that teddy bears are named after. 

Roosevelt took the world by storm when he defied death through the sheer force of his own muscles. The stud was shot in the chest while touring for his presidential campaign, but his chest was so muscular that the bullet could not penetrate him. 

John F. Kennedy

35th president

Here’s the one you’ve been waiting for. 

It’s obvious that someone is the epitome of attractive when their name is synonymous with being a top-tier bachelor. Kennedy was so suave and respected by U.S. citizens, that he is still the most admired post-World War II era president to this day.

His entire family was beloved and celebrated, especially his marriage with fellow hottie Jackie O. This is the same man who was rumored to have had an affair with Marilyn Monroe –– not hot. 

The Democrat stood 6’, with thick, dark brown hair. He was also rumored to have eyes so blue you could drown in them. 

Opinion desk can be reached at opinion@ubspectrum.com.