Mr. Burns: (chuckles) And to think, Smithers: You laughed when I bought TicketMaster. (Imitating Smithers) "Nobody's going to pay a 100 percent service charge.?AeEh
Smithers: Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.
-Dialogue from the Homerpalooza episode of The Simpsons
Like most music fans, a good portion of my budget goes towards concert tickets. Every chance I get, I blow my hard-earned cash on the temporary ecstasy that is achieved when a live band plays a good show. But there is almost always an obstacle between myself and that rectangular piece of paper that grants me access to a concert. That obstacle, more often than not, appears in the form of a faceless, heartless corporation.
Only one organization can cause so much pain and hatred. Just one word is necessary to summon the most vile of all evils. I'm not talking about Osama bin Laden. No, the evildoer I'm talking about is far more dangerous and has affected far more people in its tenure of terror. This plague, forced upon the world, has no followers; only detractors. Like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini . . . only one name is required to arouse terror in the hearts of all Americans. And that name is TicketMaster.
For me, buying concert tickets isn't just something to do; it's a ritual. I take it very seriously. In an ideal world, I wouldn't need to worry about my Internet connection, or if the phone line would be busy. But in an ideal world, TicketMaster would not exist.
When a band announced a tour date in your town, it used to be an event. You and your friends would get together, get some folding chairs, maybe a sleeping bag, and wait in line at the box office days in advance. If you were lucky, you and whoever else waited on that line would get tickets to the show.
But TicketMaster has changed all that.
These days, there is no need to wait in a line for days to get tickets. Concert tickets no longer go to the most dedicated fans. No, they go to the fan with the quickest modem and the most phone lines. TicketMaster has reduced music fans to staring at computer screens with squinty eyes, their pointer fingers feeling arthritic from the constant clicking of the "refresh" button, their ears buzzing from the perpetual busy signals on the phone . . .
If you're lucky, you might get through once or twice on the phone. If you do get through, you are greeted by a pre-recorded voice that guides you through the mental jungle that is TicketMaster's phone service. And just like UB's BIRD system, if you hit one wrong number, it cancels on you, no matter how far into the order you are. I don't understand why this system is so complicated. It's not like I'm ordering a nuclear (or "nu-cu-lar?") strike on Afghanistan; I just want concert tickets.
Now, I'm sure many of you realize that I have not yet mentioned the most infamous part of TicketMaster. There is one aspect that makes this company undeniably malicious. I am talking, of course, about the dreaded "convenience charge."
I understand that when a major company deals with thousands, perhaps millions, of transactions per day, they need to make money somewhere. That's business. But TicketMaster charges are both unreasonable and crippling.
Example: Bob Dylan is playing Madison Square Garden on Monday, Nov. 11. I want to get a ticket. But I am in Buffalo, and in no way able to get to the Madison Square Garden box office. So I go to the TicketMaster Web site, where it tells me that the tickets for Bob Dylan are priced anywhere from $38 to $120. Being a poor college student, I go for a $38 ticket. After entering my information, the final figure for one ticket comes up on the screen. I now owe $54.15 for my $38 ticket. The extra charges include an $8.60 "convenience fee," a $4.50 "building facility charge," and a $3.05 "order-processing fee."
Let's think about this. Is it really necessary for the self-proclaimed "leading ticketing company in the world" to add an extra $16.15 onto my credit card, simply because I want to buy a ticket on my computer?
In an ideal world, I could say no. I could find another way to get tickets. But the fact is that TicketMaster is the primary, and in some cases the only, way to get tickets.
But you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that there is no way around it. Many times, there is no other choice. So we all end up paying the extra fees, dealing with the hassles, and cursing at our computer screens. Until more people take a stance against this price gouging, the world of concerts and concert tickets will continue to be ruled by the soulless, immoral conglomerate known as TicketMaster.
