Hello friends, welcome to another exciting edition of my column.
I don't get it. When I write those words, they have a creepy feel to them. Yet when Jim Nantz utters them before every sporting event, they are considered warm and inviting. Nantz is the Mr. Rogers of sports announcing. You know you're safe when he's announcing an event because he won't make himself the main story like someone with a name that rhymes with Joe Buck. He won't work as the publicist for those same athletes, like Michael Kay and Gus Johnson, as much as I love him. Nantz also won't suffer from cardiac disease after the first basket of the game.
Now that we've discussed the best media personality in the sports world, we can move on to some of the worst. Here is my second annual top (or bottom) nine list, depending on your point of view.
9. Shannon Sharpe: Shannon has a lot of strong opinions, which is important if you are going to be a commentator. The problem is that no one knows what those opinions are because of the marbles that are apparently in his mouth. The funny thing is that the man laughs on screen so often that you would think that I could see those marbles, or he would at least spit up a couple in the process. In retrospect, it may just be peanut butter on the roof of his mouth - he just can't get it off. That is a much better explanation for his inability to speak coherent sentences.
8. Billy Packer: The man is old and ornery, plain and simple.
7. Al Michaels: Michaels, at one point, was Jim Nantz. A pleasant voice, you knew you were in good hands when he was announcing a game. That has changed in recent years, and it's not just the fact that he's with that guy impersonating John Madden. He openly roots for games to no end. He's just not interested in his job anymore. When the game is important or it's at least close, old school Michaels pops out, and it's spectacular. But too much of the time in recent years, you can just sense the indifference Michaels has with the action on the field.
6. Emmitt Smith: It's not Emmitt's fault. Really, it isn't. The man just should not be on live television. My favorite moment from the Smith era is when he tried to quote the great Jimmy Valvano, and ended up saying "Don't quit, don't even quit." Or was it the time when he said they were going to make someone an "escape goat?" Emmitt, you bring joy to everyone in the world. Well, everyone except Steve Young, who looks like he may punch you in the kidney at any moment. Don't quit, Emmitt, don't even quit.
5. Michael Kay: Obviously this is a tricky one, since Kay works for the Yankees. Fans have no idea how many restrictions Henry or King George Steinbrenner put on him. One thing I'm certain of is that he does not need to make up new adjectives to describe the play of Derek Jeter. Anytime one makes a heady, or clutch play it is "Jeterian." In fact, I believe I am being clutch by writing this column while I could slack off as my college career comes to an end. I am being Jeterian.
4. Colin Cowherd: I don't know what is worse for Cowherd. The fact that he admitted to using blog posts on his show while not giving credit, and that he told his listeners to crash the server of thebiglead.com because he thought it would be fun gives me just cause to put him in the top five. Actually. I can't believe I'm giving him this much ink. Do your Jeterian duty and just stop listening to him.
3. Skip Bayless: The man is the ringleader of the "louder I scream, the righter I must be" movement that has swept the nation. Not much more to say.
2. Stuart Scott: Once again, Stu finishes just short of the top spot again. This year, Scott is on the list for a quote he made in the past year on how fans should not boo athletes because they are trying hard. Stu is out of touch with the people he is supposed to be reporting the news to. Many times booing is a compliment given to a superstar athlete. And really, if a player can't handle the pressure of a fan booing him, he probably doesn't deserve the $20 million he's getting paid to hit a ball.
1. The tag team of Tim McCarver and Joe Buck: Last year they took home the top two spots. This year, they get to share the honor as co-champions. There is not much more to say about McCarver that has not already been said. The man is old, possibly senile, and cannot pronounce a name that is more than two syllables. Buck, on the other hand, has no such excuses. He has his vitality, and is still in the prime of his career. The problem with Buck is that he thinks that people tune in to hear about where he ate breakfast that morning instead of the game. And don't get me started about those beer commercials that Buck made, trying to find a new catch phrase. If those commercials don't show his oversized view of himself, I don't know what does.
Joe Buck you are the antitheses of Jeterian.
