As he began to "tussle" with a freshman girl on the floor of his dorm room Saturday night, sophomore political science major Herve Villechaize knew he was making history.
Less than one minute later, it was official - Villechaize had become the first member of the UB College Republicans, since the group was founded 25 years ago, to get laid.
"Yeah! I scored! I did it! Yeah!" said a whiny Villechaize of the previous night's groundbreaking consensual sexual intercourse. "We College Republicans have gone from duds to studs!"
A white male sea of College Republicans gathered at Baird Point on Sunday afternoon to celebrate the sophomore's unprecedented achievement.
Decked out in a pimp suit, Villechaize strode confidently across the lawn to a podium. A giant "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner hung from the white columns. The crowd saluted.
"Until last night, we were unfairly persecuted on this campus. Something about the 'Affirmative Action Bake Sale,' 'Conservative Coming Out Day,' and 'The Pillar' made people think we were heartless jerks," he told the crowd. "Apparently this campus is simply full of biased liberals. So today, we have won a major battle in our ongoing war for respect."
In a lengthy speech, Villechaize said he saw Friday's voluntary coitus as an affirmation of the College Republicans' aggressive strategy of pre-emptive attack on thoughtful political discussion on campus.
"The females of UB have given me a mandate," he said. "It's time for me to spend my political capital. Talking endlessly in class! Welcoming bigots to campus! Writing incoherent letters to The Spectrum! Let's keep it coming!"
The non-coercive male-female copulation occurred late Saturday night in Villechaize's dorm room.
He was staying up late, working on the long-awaited second issue of The Pillar, listening to Clint Black's "Iraq And I Roll" (humming along: "Iraq, I rack 'em up, and I roll/ I'm back, and I'm a high-tech G.I. Joe/ I got infrared, I got G.P.S., I got good ol' fashioned lead/ There's no price too high for freedom/ So be careful where you tread), and wondering why some people on campus thought he was, frankly, sort of scary.
It was then that a female - a freshman who wishes to remain anonymous - stumbled into his room and fell on top of him. They began making out.
"Honestly, I don't remember too much about it because it happened pretty fast. I remember panicking, but then I looked up at my Ann Coulter poster, and it was like, she gave me the power to do it!" Villechaize said. "I'm the man, baby. I know she liked it."
"A College Republican! Oh God! Oh my God! That's gross!" said the freshman female, who later told The Spectrum that she has, in the past three months, slept with all of her computer science TA's, several employees of Bert's Dining Center, and a man who lives in a refrigerator box behind The Steer. "Even I have standards!"
Only one dark cloud hung over Villechaize's record-setting Saturday night; in the heat of the moment, he forgot to wear the proper protection.
"I guess you could say that while I acted quickly and decisively, I failed in terms of the planning, and I didn't give my little soldier the protection he deserved," he chuckled. "Oh well. If worse comes to worse, she can always get an abor ... damn."
He looked up in a sweaty panic.
"We haven't repealed Roe v. Wade yet, right?"
