If you had one man to be on your side in a fight, who would you pick? I'd have to side with Darryl Strawberry. Who wouldn't take "the Straw" on their side in a fight? Remember the haymaker that sent Armando Benitez flying into the Orioles dugout? That was sweet. I'd even be willing to take on those crazy grill guys that work at Bert's with Darryl in my corner. Now that would be a battle - a three-on-two handicap match against those wild men. I'd have to say it would be close, but the Straw and I would pull it out by a hash brown.
On the subject of Benitez, his performance on Sunday can be summed up in one word: classic. Even if you didn't watch, you should already know what happened.
God bless whoever's idea it was to put Mike Tyson on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" as the guest host last week, because no matter what situation you put Tyson in, it is automatically funny. It always seems like the guy has absolutely no idea what is going on, and then they put him in these ridiculous scenarios, like inhaling helium to make his voice even higher and singing karaoke to Ali Landry. Now that's must see TV.
But if there is one thing that I'd love to do, it would be to get inside his head, even though it's likely that there is complete and utter madness going on in there. It's probably similar to that "Ewoks" movie - completely cracked out. I think the only thing scarier than getting in Tyson's head would be looking straight into the eyes of the original crazy eyes himself, Marquis Grissom. That dude always creeped me out when he was playing for the Braves. There aren't many people who have scarier looking eyes than "Large Marge" from "Pee-Wee's Great Adventure," but Marquis pulls it off.
Mo Vaughn has apparently found that weight he had lost in the offseason. Tubby looks as big as ever. I just don't understand how some of these "professionals" just let themselves go. My friend Birney from back home once told me that he saw Mo in a Burger King at four in the morning after he had hit two homers in a game in Montreal earlier that night. Vaughn ordered four - FOUR - double cheeseburgers. This guy is getting paid mega-bucks to gorge himself and underachieve. For his sake, I hope he was high, because that would explain his feast of epic proportions. Well, he is a Met, so I am betting he was.
But I'm sure he wasn't as high as Mike Piazza when Piazza thought that it was a good idea to give the pope a Mets jersey when the two met. What I am wondering though, is what was on the back of the jersey. Was it a Piazza jersey? I'm honestly hoping that it was a customized jersey with the name "Pope John Paul" on the back. I'd be curious to see what number the pope would wear. Probably number 69. Boy, I would love to get my hands on that jersey.
What is with the New York Knicks? They beat teams like the Spurs and Lakers, but they lose to teams like the Bulls, Grizzlies and Raptors. I have an idea. How about they trade the entire team for say, the last 11 picks in the first round? That seems like a fair deal to me, although some poor schmuck team would end up with Charlie "I think Jews are stubborn" Ward. Yes, Charlie actually said that. Then all the Knicks would have to do is bring in Charles Oakley to teach these rookies. Imagine that, life and NBA lessons from Charles Oakley. I'd bet he would have the Knicks in ship-shape in no time. How could the team not do well with little tidbits like this from Oakley: "Guys just come in and think it's easy now. Pimpin' ain't easy, pimpin' ain't dead. The hoes are just scared." Or how about this classic: "I'm cool with whatever. I'll just keep eating my bread, sipping my soup and serving my time. But the chicken is going to lay some more eggs one day." But nothing would beat the all-important lesson learned from Oakley's dealing with Tyrone Hill, on which he had this to say: "I don't do business with no clowns." Vintage Oakley.
Who cares about tonight's game when my hero, Marcus Hatten, and the St. John's Red Storm won the NIT Tournament? But honestly, I'm praying for a Syracuse win tonight so some basketball pride can be restored in the great state of New York.
If the need for gas and oil is such a problem here in America, then why not abolish NASCAR altogether? Does anyone else find it funny that despite all the problems with our natural resources, we still blatantly waste gas by racing cars at obscene speeds around a track 500 times? No wonder everyone hates us.
Nicole from Sorority Life, I'm calling you out! I am challenging you to a "shave your head match" in which the loser has to do just that. The curly 'fro has got to go. My friends say I need a haircut, so either way we will be doing a favor to society. The challenge will be a game of Battleship, with the loser having to chop the mop. But beware, because I guarantee you're going to be hearing these two words from me often if you accept the challenge: "Battleship sunk."
Boomshakalaka! Our Student Association here at UB is so awesome! I can't believe they got George Clinton and the P. Funk All-Stars to come here! It's really amazing how they were able to pull that off, with all the touring that Clinton must be doing thanks to his immense popularity, it had to have been really hard for them to lure him here.
Okay, in all seriousness here, George Clinton is damn cool and all; I will definitely go to the fest, but isn't it obvious that Joe UB Student has no idea who George Clinton and the P. Funk All-Stars are? You really mean to tell me with all that money that SA has, the best they could get was George Clinton? I think Clinton's last significant achievement was in 1994, when he appeared in NBA Jam as the secret character "P. Funk." SA is pathetic, and that's why I am throwing my name in the presidential race next year. If you want a position in my party, "The Ghost of Apollo Creed Reform Party," then come talk to me.
I need to get myself a leisure suit.
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
