A rational review of the Crossroads Culinary Center

I would like to begin my review by discussing the most important factor when it comes to food: calories. 

This is the entire reason that living beings eat. The chance to spend time with family and friends and the lovely sensations that erupt from our taste buds are, at best, secondary to the continuation of life and vitality. Why did a million Irish leave their homes if not for more potatoes? Why did countless Chinese have an untimely dive into their grave during the Great Leap Forward if not for more rice?

This most crucial of metrics is perhaps the only one that should be used to evaluate Crossroads Culinary Center (C3), and the eatery scores extremely high in this regard. A visit to C3 has a theoretically infinite calorie to dollar ratio — if you can eat an infinite amount. I have tried to achieve this feat countless times and have come up a bit short every time. My experience in pursuit of unlimited eating has led me to the conclusion that one cannot add another plate to one’s stomach the way Hilbert can add another guest to his hotel. 

Hence, us mere mortals in this most finite world must comply with the equation for the calorie to dollar ratio at C3 of one’s stomach and its auxiliaries divided by the cost of one meal swipe. Though this is a most lamentable downgrade from the theoretical ratio, we must accept it as a still pretty good one.

Now that I have covered the most crucial merit of any eating establishment, I will discuss a much more base and subservient subject: flavor. 

While this is a capricious desire that we should all try to keep at a minimum, C3 is no Gestapo or temperance society. It does not stop us poor mortals from committing sins of indulgence. To fulfill our lust for flavor, C3 has two stations devoted to the addition of such condiments and spices as ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, salt and pepper. They have additional spices, but I will not dirty your innocent mind, dearest reader, with such fanciful and degrading luxuries, completely unnecessary to a strong and vital human spirit.

In sum, C3 is an excellent place to eat, but, like all things in life, it has its excesses, temptations and evils that we must steer away from with a strong moral compass. That said, it has fewer of these immoral flavorish things then many other eating establishments around campus. 

Furthermore, it has many more calories — those soul nourishing life givers — than almost any other spot on campus. Overall, a very good place to eat — but still too much flavor.

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