Fleeing out of dorm room 223, Olivia’s feet can’t keep up with her brain. Her phone slips out of her sweaty palms as she struggles to dial her roommate’s number. The date Saturday, March 5, hastily appears on her screen. As Olivia exits the building, her mind is in a daze. Vivid images of the night fill her head. The only thing forcing her back to reality is the whoosh of cold air that smacks her face. Her body is shivering. The sole fabric covering it, a sheer white lace dress. She questions the promises made the night before.
It happened again. Another bad hookup. Another awkward departure. Another story to tell.
Sex is complicated. It’s scary, beautiful and intimate. Souls are tied, arguments end and tension released. Humans are diverse. So are their sex lives. Some have countless promiscuous stories, while others have yet to be touched. Either way, no one has it all figured out. The big question is how do individuals navigate their sex life? The best people to ask are women in college.
Understanding the complexity of a woman’s sex life is like finding the world’s greatest treasure. People go to great lengths in an attempt to crack the code. Life with this knowledge is proven to be life with happiness, success, clear skin and good sex.
More than you think
Think about driving a car. Behind the wheel, one person is responsible. A car is like a body. You’re the only person who can protect it. So it makes sense women have a navigation system for sex.
Let’s start with the basics. How often are women in college having sex? More than you think. In a hall of 100 students, 50 being women, 30 are sexually active. More than half of those women say they have to be the initiators.
It’s common to shame women for being sexual. This is interesting because out of the 30 sexually active women, only six have multiple partners. These specific women have sex about three times a week compared to the non-committed women who only have sex on the weekends.
The Criteria
Everyone is looking for specific characteristics in someone, even if it’s only about sex.
A college campus is full of potential sexual partners, and unfortunately there’s no catalog to pick and choose from. So how do women make sense of who, why, when and where? The answer is the criteria.
The hunting criteria is the ultimate guide to a woman’s sex life. It is broken into four parts: appearance, communication, performance in bed and outside of the sheets. (That’s assuming they are having sex in a bed.)
- Appearance
The first thing anyone notices is appearance. How you dress, how your hair looks and how you walk. When approaching a woman you want to have an appealing look, whatever that means to you. It takes one glance to make an assumption about your character. So make sure you’re representing yourself accurately.
Note that appearance is not only your looks. It’s also body language. Women like someone who appears confident. In an attempt to flirt, keeping eye contact, small touching gestures and licking your lips are successful techniques. Do not mistake confidence for extroversion or cockyness. Being shy doesn’t hinder opportunities for sex and being cocky doesn’t facilitate them.
Women say attractiveness is the first thing they look at, no matter their sexuality. Straight women prefer a tall man while queer women have no physical preferences.
2. Communication
The key to any relationship is communication, no matter the dynamic. Without communication harmful things will happen. For this reason women value people who listen to her needs and openly communicate their own.
Communication first comes into play with the initial interaction. Along with appearance, the way you talk is something a woman notices first. If you can’t keep up a conversation she probably can’t depend on you in other departments. When having conversation, speaking with substance is key.
Communication then progresses into everyone’s favorite game of cat and mouse. Some calculate times of text messages, the number of explanations used and emojis.
Olivia’s hands can’t stop shaking. One hand holding her phone as the other covers her mouth. The air is as thick as a comforter. Every breath she takes is a struggle. She tries to move her feet but the floors are drenched in a combination of jungle juice and sweat. The pink and blue sparkles once placed around her eyes sweated off. She can’t seem to care about any of it. This is the turning point of her night.
She’s in the corner of a frat house huddled between her group of friends. Waiting to open this text feels humiliating. If it was up to her body she would be pressing send by now. She knows she can't text back too quickly or she’ll look desperate.
The minutes couldn’t be going any slower. Her mind is racing. She’s dying to see the message. When the clock hits 2:59 a.m. she hurries to open the text. With all her excitement she clicks the green app and opens a text saying “nah i’m too tired tonight.” Take note, pupil. This is a great example of how not to communicate with someone you are interested in.
Not all women are precise when it comes to communication. Several describe their efforts as “Go with the flow.”
“When I first started having casual sex, everything was so intense to me. I wanted them to want me and not the other way around,” Alissa says, rolling her eyes. “My friends and I would debate things like whether we should text first or how long we should take to reply. Now that I look back, it was quite exhausting. I realized the moment you stop chasing it, it will come to you.”
Communication in a sexual relationship is especially important during intercourse. It's asking your partner what they want and how they want it, making sure to adjust according to their satisfaction.For most college students sex is for pleasure, so you would assume everyone involved leaves pleased. Sad to say, many women can not relate. More than ¾ of women in college have never received an orgasm from someone else. An even greater amount has never climaxed. The one common factor? Men.
Straight women in college are not having the sex they should be. When asked if their male partner takes the time to make sure they also climax, the masses answered no. Women having sex with other women/non-binary individuals stated they almost always orgasm during sex. Several orgasm multiple times a night.
Where is the disconnect? The genitals are not the problem, it’s the ego. In general, heterosexual men have trouble handling constructive criticism. Not every technique will please all.
“When I first started having sex I was so shy. I could feel nothing and would still try my best to fake it. I’m not sure what I was scared of but I wish I had spoken up,” she says with a loud sigh. “There was a point I thought I was asexual because I didn’t want sex anymore. I was horny but had no desire to ask someone to help me in fear of disappointment. I even thought my clitoris was broken!” she exclaimed for the whole library to hear.
“After years of running away from sex, I finally touched myself. It was the first time I’d ever had an orgasm. I now love sex as long as it’s done right. Every grown man I’ve been with takes no offense to any pointers I make. Every boy I’ve been with is no longer in the picture. You put the pieces together.”
Communication is difficult when you leave the bed. Discussing things like relationships, STDs and boundaries can be burdening but essential. If there is clean communication between all parties involved, it’s easier.
For instance a situationship with unclear communication. The most embarrassing question is “What are we?” The more embarrassing response is “I don’t know.” Don’t be those people. From the beginning of the relationship make it clear what you want and ninetimes out of ten your partner wants something similar. As your emotions change, so should your relationship status. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or don’t want. Especially if you’re not looking to take it to the next level. You’d be surprised how many women love no strings attached. Leaving her out of the loop is never the right direction.
Relationship status is the easier part. Talking about STDs and boundaries is not so fun. When speaking about STDs the initial approach shouldn’t be substantial. Asking for the latest test results is not harmful. Unless they have something to hide.
“I have a rule. If you ask someone to get tested or see their results and they get defensive they are not the one for you. They have something to hide,” Sarah explains. “If you’re clean with no worries there should be no hesitation telling me your status.”
Speaking about boundaries should be simple. A problem arises when boundaries are not shared from the jump. Humans can not read minds so say what is on your mind. Exceptions do exist because some boundaries are common sense. A great example is unwanted d—k pictures. Number one, it is considered sexual assault. Number two, it's gross. Imagine how horrified you would be if a penis was the first thing that popped up on your phone. So next time you’re thinking of surprising her with an explicit picture, don’t, and just ask.
3. Performance in Bed
There is no such thing as perfect sex, no matter what the tabloids say. There is always room for improvement but you have to improve. Women want someone who will put in the effort. If you can’t keep up, you might get left behind.
Two main things women look for during sex are adventure and chemistry.
Vanilla sex is a beautiful thing but who wants to have vanilla sex all the time? As time progresses the women’s body is looking for more than the basics and there are a million ways to “spice up” your time in the bedroom.
Women say they like using toys and foreplay before and during sex. Eighty percent say they have unexplored kinks and their partners are holding them back. Women of all sexualities state they find themselves with close-minded partners. When asked how often they stay with them, it's rare.
“I was in a relationship for two years. He was the love of my life. I mean, I even thought we were going to get married. One day I asked if we could try something different, and he completely freaked out. It wasn’t even anything crazy, just a new position!” Nakimera, a senior in the Nursing program, exclaimed. “Two weeks later, I left him. It wasn’t about the sex. It was about consideration. He had no intention of trying something new for me, even though I always did it for him. Everyone told me I was being unreasonable, but I knew my worth. Every woman deserves someone willing to try for her.”
As you explore, keep in mind you’re not a porn star or a fictional character. Everyone has their favorite fantasy world. It is ok and encouraged to fantasize, just remember not to bring that into your real-life encounters.
Without sexual chemistry sex isn’t enjoyable. Sexual chemistry is the undeniable attraction two or more people feel for each other. Women, as anyone else, like to feel desired. In a sexual setting it is important your partner knows just how much you want them. Actions speak louder than words, so just telling her isn’t enough.
The nausea hits her as soon as her eyes open. Every time she wakes up next to him her body yells at her. As Marina looks in the mirror she asks herself what is keeping her here. Her relationship with him is so toxic. They are not meant for eachother yet she keeps crawling back. The sex is just too good. The way he touches her legs, and whispers in her ears. She’s never experienced anything like that before. Every time she is under his embrace all of their problems float into the wind. The seductive music and smell of sweat takes over, and she is in awe. She doesn’t think she can ever get out of this cycle.
4. Outside of the sheets
The last thing a woman considers when picking a sexual partner is how their partner acts outside of the sheets. Nobody wants to have sex with a terrible person. Plenty of women would like to have intercourse with someone who shares the same core beliefs. This is where social media plays a big part. How you present yourself on the internet reflects your character. If you’re posting quotes on how women belong in the kitchen, chances are you’re not getting laid.
Another component women look at is how you handle your business. If you go around telling the whole school about your interactions, expect her not to sleep with you again. Women tell their friends their crazy sex stories all the time. Keep it close to you and you should have no problems.
Just the beginning
Sex is multiplex. It brings you the highest highs and the lowest lows. The woman’s sex life is a roller coaster, dense and requires a tremendous amount of thought. Though it might seem impossible to understand, to the untrained eye it is beautiful. Your college years are some of the best and worst. It’s the time of finding your life path. Making hard decisions and finally making the transfer from child to adult. No one expects it to be easy. You will face hardship after hardship, and sex is just one of many to tackle.
Take this new found knowledge and go out into the world. Prance around like an individual of intellect and opulence. You are now in the top percentile of the population. You’re welcome.
Photo: Ryan Hagen | UB Athletics
