EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a satirical column, sources are not real*
The greatest feeling about being at UB is ending the week with extra meal swipes.
The problem is, I never feel like I have enough swipes. What if I want to buy three containers of queso at Moe’s? Or maybe 12 orange Gatorades from Sizzles? Students at the university need more swipes and I propose that UB makes a 30-meal-swipes-a-week plan.
Nineteen meal swipes never felt like enough for me. Whenever I go get chicken tenders at Fowl Play, I always want every sauce available, especially their famous “Boom Boom Sauce.” Sadly, that ends up costing extra.
Yes, maybe a few students will have extra meals at the end of the week, but the 19 meal plan also doesn’t account for dessert and a late night snack.
While UB claims this 19 meal plan is the “best value,” I really believe 30 meals a week would be even more valuable to hungry students due to the amount of food you could eat if you happen to use them all.
Knowing that the swipes will disappear when the week ends fills me with satisfaction.
I just hope they’re going to good use.
My theory is that these extra meal swipes are being fed to the geese. While geese get a very bad reputation on campus, I feel that the university sees them as our silent protectors from harm.
Like Batman.
Still, students may be concerned about the price of 30 meals a week, especially when they could just cook healthier food and try to save money instead by buying said food at the notoriously cheap Elli.
But I feel as though students don’t pay enough to the university and there’s nothing wrong with giving just a little bit more.
I asked students on campus about my proposed idea for a new meal plan. The opinions were mixed, as some saw the plan as too few meals for them.
“Thirty meals a week is not enough for me” said culinary major Victor E. Burrito Bull. “I would be down to have 50 to 60 meals a week.”
Others, however, use their extra meals to gain street cred.
“It’s not enough to buy seven meals worth of blue Gatorades with my leftover swipes every Friday at Sizzles,” said sophomore business major Chad Boyardee. “If I’m trying to trade for Caden’s extra Juul pods, I need the extra Gatos.”
Still, some are content with their minimalist lives.
“Nineteen is just fine for me,” said freshman communication major Teddy Graham. “I know my parents are proud of me when they see my tower of Dasani water bottles reaching the ceiling of my value quad.”
My proposal to make a 30-meal-swipes-a-week plan could change everything.
It could start a chain of events that leads to other important changes, like smoking on campus actually being enforced or finally enrolling geese into gen-egg courses.
The students and geese of UB deserve better food for their brains and beaks. While nineteen meals a week sounds like a lot for any grown person, we are all UB Bulls and weigh approximately 2,400 pounds.
Better food, better brains, better Bulls.
Photo: Ryan Hagen | UB Athletics
