The following column is a satire piece and should be taken as such.
At roughly 3 a.m. the final cannon sounded, a giant shockwave of anger and disbelief pulsed through the districts; Donald Trump and Mike Pence won the Hunger Games.
After 18 months of a grueling political battle, the Democratic ticket has fallen, crowning Trump as the victor. Friends, family and supporters of Hillary Clinton were seen in tears, obviously frustrated with their loss.
The victory was ripped right out of Clinton’s hands and The Spectrum is taking a look back at the most historic Hunger Games, when Donald Trump turned a nation on its head, becoming the 45th Victor-Elect.
Trump and Pence played a decisive game. As rich members of District 1, they quickly belittled the poorer districts and separated themselves from the rest of the competition.
Right at the start of the games, Trump acquired a construction company from the Cornucopia and had them build a wall around the weaker districts.
The wall was huge. In the dessert biome of the arena, two opponents were trapped within the wall and were alienated into to submission.
Unable to fight back, Carly Fiorina of District 11 and Rand Paul from District 12 quickly fell victim to Trump’s isolationist tactics and were removed from the games.
After realizing his slim chances at victory, Chris Christie from District 4 made an alliance with Trump, hoping to lengthen his stay in the games.
Together the two hunted down other competitors and accumulated resources, telling the world that they were here to stay.
Jeb Bush from District 4 and Ben Carson from District 5 slowly but surely fell victim to Trump and Christie’s tag-team tactics and were removed from the games.
After receiving a small gift of $1 million from his sponsors, he bought out his partner in crime and Christie was elected to exit the games to work on gathering a group of corrupt politicians to further help Trump succeed.
With the competition thinning, Trump decided to pin the other candidates against themselves to speed up his victory.
After a series of derogatory comments, Trump’s locker room talk offended tributes Marco Rubio of District 6 and Carson so much they fell right into his trap and Trump pounced at the opportunity to remove them from the competition swiftly.
Next, Trump singled out Ted Cruz, who represented District 7. Unfortunately for Cruz, he significantly resembled the Zodiac Killer, which severely hurt his chances at receiving any gifts from sponsors.
With hurt feelings remaining and no one to help him, Cruz fell victim to Trump’s harsh words and could not stay in the game any longer. Lying Ted Cruz stood no chance.
Cruz was the final player left standing in the way of his main opponents from Districts 9 and 3. Bernie Sanders along with Hillary Clinton and Tim Kane, respectively, were arguably the biggest competitors standing between Trump and the sole spot as victor of the Hunger Games.
Sanders was doing extremely well amongst young sponsors. The nation’s Millennials were swiftly feeling “The Bern” as he was a fan-favorite to be the only one to stop Trump.
Despite Bernie’s popularity and tribute, Clinton had a shady background with an email scandal and Bernie stood no chance against Clinton.
Clinton’s husband, who had previously won the games and the heart of Monica Lewinski, was too great a factor in raising her popularity amongst the game masters and sponsors.
Finally, the throw down of the century: Trump and Pence versus Clinton and Kane. Wasting no time Trump grabbed Clinton by the pu**y and threw her under the bus right away.
After he hammered in the severity of her email scandals, the nation soon realized that Clinton may not be the candidate they were hoping for.
Clinton was no match for Trump’s locker room tactics and the silent majority’s shocking number of donations.
Clinton respectfully conceded to Trump naming him the 45th Victor-Elect of the Hunger Games.
The fate of the nation now waits to see what will happen as Trump has pulled off one of the most shocking victories in the history of the games and climbed to the top of the political ladder.
Max Kalnitz is the senior arts editor and can be reached at:
max.kalnitz@ubspectrum.com. Follow him on Twitter at @mkalnitz
Photo: Ryan Hagen | UB Athletics
