Editor's note: This article is a satire piece. It is not to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name.
Dear Carson,
Happy birthday to me! I just turned 20, which is nothing special really, but I got a ton of money from my family. I'm thinking of revamping my wardrobe because I'm getting bored of the clothes I've been wearing all winter, and my spring selection is seriously lacking. I guess you could describe my style as pretty average, but I know I have good taste. I try not to wear yoga pants every day, but it's hard. I have some really nice jeans that I wear pretty often, and I like getting dressed up to go out. I was thinking some cool vintage-looking stuff from Urban Outfitters and maybe some cute new leather shoes (so sick of wearing boots every day!) would be a good place to start. What about, like, for one outfit, a polka-dotted shirt from J.Crew, some black plants and a new pair of suede oxfords in a cool color? I'm trying to be trendy. Make me look good! Make me feel sexy!
Sincerely,
New Me
Dear New Me,
WTF? Have you been reading this column for the last two months? Do you understand my life at all? I don't do trendy and neither should you. Polka dots were the only two good words I read until I saw "J.Crew." You are a functioning cog in the mainstream fashion machine. But it's OK, baby - Carson is here. Wearing yoga pants is a sign of laziness, which can actually be really cool if you show it the right way. Wearing yoga pants when you're all all made-up and pretty-like makes you look confused. Why not show the f***s you don't give in a better way? Emphasize your grungy vibes with an XXL thrift store plaid and some gnarly old black military boots. You said you were over boots, so my suggestion would be to go with the oxfords, but not in a 'cool color,' as you so boringly suggested. Colors are mainstream. Black and white only, and never mix the two together. This way, people can't judge you based on the colors you wear. They'll have to really get to know who's hiding beneath the finely woven rags that society force-clings onto our flesh in a world that can't handle nips, peens and gines. Oh, and Urban Outfitters ... you mean that store at the mall that sells overpriced polyester garbage right next to a stack of Pitchfork-approved records and a pile of plastic shoes? Steer clear. If you really have the money, go for a David Lindwall designer t-shirt, a Supreme hat and some Jim Morrison-esque leather pants. Accessories worth having are an all-gold grill (bottom teeth only!) and some Bans of the Ray variety. Swag.
Email: arts@ubspectrum.com
