It was early March, the first day of spring break, and we sat in my car in a nice New Jersey suburb, waiting for the last bus to New York City. It was close to midnight, and we had driven over eight hours to get there, barely having enough time to stop at Sara's aunt's house to use the bathroom and stretch our legs.
Aaron wanted to wait outside, but we told him it was too cold and we weren't leaving him alone in a strange town. Plus, weren't we having more fun talking about our trip together in the warmth of the car?
Out of the corners of our eyes, then full heads and bodies turned, we saw the bus drive by as we tried to open the doors fast enough to flag it down. But it was useless. We sat in silence trying to figure out what to do next. That was the last bus. Aaron's sister was waiting at the bus terminal alone.
"I ... could drive you into the city?" I said apprehensively, almost immediately regretting my decision. With two major accidents and several other mishaps since I was 17, I get really scared behind the wheel. And after not killing us on the drive from Buffalo? I was terrified. Aaron offered to drive my car, but if we were going to crash in the Big Apple, I wanted it to be my fault.
Not even five minutes later, the Port Authority was plugged into my GPS and I was yelling at Sara to sit on my EZPass so that my mother wouldn't know I drove through the Lincoln Tunnel (sorry, Mom).
I kept muttering, "We're fine. It's OK. I can do this," over and over as I clenched the wheel and I felt my blood rush to my fingertips; every inch of my body prickled with anxiety and I tried to hide my shaking hands. Traffic was still pretty heavy, even at the late hour, and I'm not as quick as those taught on the city streets.
"I know what this moment needs. It's not the 'tunnel song' from Perks, but it'll do," Aaron said as he pushed a disc into my silent stereo and he tried to calm my nerves.
She thinks I'm much too thin/She asks me if I'm sick/What's a girl to do with friends like this?
We all sang along as the New York City skyline emerged at the end of the tunnel, and in that instant, we were as close to infinite as you could get. My hands stopped shaking, and the driving came more easily. We weren't supposed to drive outside of my comfort zone that night, but it seemed there was no other place to be in that moment.
Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes, things happen when you least expect and sometimes they surprise you. Just like that night that started in Jersey took us somewhere unexpected, the last four years have been a ride unimaginable.
I started my college career as a biology major, completely intent on going to medical school post-graduation. I had my life planned out down to the doctor husband, two kids, dog and white-picket-fence house. Because I wanted it to happen, it had to happen. I wouldn't accept anything less.
I hit a really low GPA my second semester of freshman year. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do because everything had come so easily in high school. I hated where I was and I didn't know why I wanted my life to be a certain way so badly before. The doctor husband no longer looked so attractive and the dreams faded away.
So I did the unthinkable, much to the horror of my family and everyone who knew my life plans: I switched my major to English. Instead of questions of how I was going to afford medical school, my parents were now asking if I would even have an income once I graduated. Would I live in a box?
What the hell do you do with an English major, anyway? Teach? No way. I get too scared even calling for takeout.
Read? Nice try, but not many jobs pay you to read books all day.
Write? Now you're talking.
I was sitting in church about three weeks ago, and even though I'm not that religious, the message the minister spoke stuck with me: If you spend your life planning for something, completely set on one path, you're not going to amount to anything. If you spend your life working for just that one success, you're going to end up unfulfilled and you're probably not going to meet that one goal you wanted so badly. If you forget to appreciate life and who's around you, your big dreams will fizzle out, and you will be left with nothing.
And since that spontaneous car ride into the city, with two of my best friends by my side, I made the choice to go with the flow. Sure, I still am an overachieving control freak who lets anxiety get the best of her sometimes, but I'd like to think I let things happen as life intends.
That B on a paper? Missed a class? Boyfriend broke up with you or you got turned down by the boy you wanted? You won't remember it in a year or even two months. Focusing so sharply on one thing or one person will get you nowhere.
Spending time with family and friends is more important. So is working at The Spectrum (probably the greatest, most serendipitous find in my four years). And experiencing college while you're there - don't forget that. There's a bigger plan than I can imagine, and I'm waiting to find it.
I'll be moving to the City this fall to start a new chapter - this time without my car, without the need to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel, without friends or family by my side. It wasn't part of my plan, but it'll be an adventure.
I hope it feels as good as when we had the lights behind us at the end of our spring break trip - when we sang aloud to nothing more than the steering wheel, content in the moment and in each others' presence. I hope it feels as infinite as Buffalo has the past 21 years.
And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born/Then it's time to go/And define your destination/There's so many different places to call home.
Email: rebecca.bratek@ubspectrum.com
