Editor's note: This article is a satire piece. It is not to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name.
Dear Carson,
I feel pretty pathetic putting myself out there like this, but I've exhausted all other options. I know you specialize in "alternative" answers to life's most difficult questions, and that's exactly what I'm looking for. Let's just say I can't turn to those closest to me, so you're the only hope I've got. My roommate is my best friend and we both like the same guy. Not too complicated, right? Wrong. She doesn't know I like him. Basically, she told me she liked him first and I didn't want to say I'd had my eye on him, too, because I was just starting to notice him at the time. She was already head over heels, so I guess you could say I let her have him. Despite all of that, I just hooked up with him on Saturday night in the bathroom at Northside. My roommate has no idea. I really care about her. I need her. I'm so afraid to tell her. I'd hate for her to find out from someone else and hate me forever. At the same time, this was the best sex of my life. I want more, so what do I do?
Sincerely,
Best Friend For Never
Dear BFFN,
Sorry to hear you had the best sex of your life at Northside. Reading that threw me into a serious state of depression until I realized that your life is, thankfully, not mine. Moving on. It's beyond obvious that this dude has already banged your friend, too. He did, after all, claim you in a bathroom stall. What makes you think your 'head-over-heels' friend wouldn't give it up to a guy who fooled the girl who was 'just starting to notice him?' Obviously, like you, she's afraid to tell anybody. I have absolutely no advice on how to seek a real relationship with this Neanderthal you're both obsessing over, but I can secure a way for you both to enjoy the infamous 'D.' The first step is to accept that everything that's going on as totally fine. What you did is fine. What he's doing is fine. What your friend is doing is also fine. Pleasure! Seek it out. No one's gotten hurt so far, and no one has to. The answer? M?(c)nage ? trois. That's right, you need to have a threesome. Monogamous relationships are arguably the most mainstream thing around today, and let's face it, your parents probably don't even have one. Homeboy is definitely going to be down for anything, so don't worry about him at all. The real challenge is presenting the fact you've already been with him to your friend, while simultaneously suggesting the threesome as a reasonable solution to the confusion. There's a good chance that the first part will bum her out to the point where she won't consider the three-way. Sure, there are lots of ways to trick your friend here, but it sounds like you really care about her. You're going to have to do this the old fashioned way: light some candles, put on side A of Radiohead's Kid A (obvi you have a record player, no?) and ingest the holy sacrament of your choice. Tell her what you did. Have lover boy waiting out in the hallway cloaked in a wizard's robe with his face painted the color of your choice (preferably neon sage), then lay him down in the center of the room and start dripping the hot wax onto his chest. At this point, your friend will start doing one of two things: leaving or staying. If she stays, the threesome is a guarantee. If she leaves, you can use the room for this ancient sex ritual anyway. Regardless of what happens, blame everything on the drugs the next morning and you'll still have a best friend. Unless she doesn't get it ... and then why are you friends anyway?
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