Since my ‘Fresh Meat' column came out on Wednesday, I've received many pleasant text messages from boys all around campus. And by pleasant, I mean every penis in Buffalo has been hatin' on me.
Well, today you're in for a not-so-delicious treat, boys. Reading this one may be hard for you, so please try to cut back on the angry messages. Girls, use this column as your sex-life bible. I'll be discussing what I refer to as a torturous routine that girls secretly enjoy putting themselves through, and what most refer to as "Friends With Benefits."
Whether you're already a victim of this rising phenomena, or you're in the process of slowly falling into it, every girl finds a time where she is purely physically attracted to a boy, at first. I'm talking about times when the butterflies aren't fluttering, but your lips are ready to lock. The times when the lips on your face aren't down to talk, but the lips between your legs are spread wide open. If you choose to act on your raging hormones, just know you're in for a hard and bumpy ride (and I don't mean like a cowgirl).
After some time of pure erotic pleasure you realize that you want to be more than just sex-buddies. His fingers slowly massaging your G-spot leaves you shaking in bed, but you find yourself wanting to peck him on the lips when he's finished. Tough luck girl, it's too late. Your partner's feelings are not mutual because you are just friends…with benefits.
Friend. The single word that has the ability to stab a girl in the stomach if it's not all that she wants (I use the term stomach instead of heart, because heart is too mushy for this friends with benefits fad).
You've seen the movies.
In Friends With Benefits, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis fall madly and deeply in love after sleeping with each other as strictly friends for approximately one month. Yeah, as if that's realistic.
What about No Strings Attached? Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher may convince you for the one hour and 48 minutes that love can come out of being friends with benefits. Nonetheless, once the movie ends and reality hits you in the head, you realize that it's called ‘friends with benefits,' not, ‘let's be sappy and cuddle after we do the dirty.'
Our lives are not meant to be like movies.
If you're going to try out this FWB nonsense, at least allow me to give you advice on how to do it properly and not get emotionally attached. Take it slow. Don't show up in a boy's bed with your legs spread open, ready to put his hot pocket into your microwave, because no one wants an easy friend.
Show him that you really are interested in being just friends. Never put out without receiving first, because you're not there to pleasure him, you're there to get it in. Tease him by moving your hands down his chest, and slowly into his pants. Keep your hand there motionless, make eye contact for no longer than five seconds, and then stroke your hand back up his chest. There will be no hand-to-penis contact and he'll be left hard as ever, wanting more.
Do not, I repeat, do not, stay afterwards to snuggle, for the ultimate hit-and-quit. It'll drive him wild if he feels like he's being used solely for sex and eventually he'll want your heart more than he'll want his erection. This will leave you hurt free and wet as ever.
"Friends with benefits is a great idea, but girls are way too emotional," said Noelle Zinn, junior nursing major. Also, Erica Stern, sophomore business major, says that a friend with benefits is convenient, but at the same time it's incredibly hard not to let emotions get in the way.
On another note, "Friends with benefits is an asset to any society," said Zack Gold, sophomore communication major. "Sex releases chemicals in your brain, good chemicals, if everyone had sex with a friend every day, there would be no need for drugs."
Every boy that I've spoken to has been pro-FWB, while every girl voted against the act. Figures.
FWB is a sticky situation, pun intended. So just get your hands on that Goo Gone and remove the stickiness. Either be friends and get rid of the benefits or give yourselves a title. If you find that your situation isn't as convenient as you thought it would be, stop what you're doing before you lose the benefits, and more importantly, the friend.
I happened to come across a genius boy with a genius idea. Danny Behar, senior history major said, "If you start f****** your friend that you obviously have a personal relationship with, I think eventually it'll grow and things like jealousy start to come into play. Acquaintances however, people you don't really care about or know, are perfect sex partners because there are literally no strings attached."
Maybe an acquaintance with benefits is the thing we've all been missing out on in our lives. Think about it.
Email: Keren.baruch@ubspectrum.com
