With graduation just around the corner, those of us who are leaving UB cannot help but look back on what we have learned in our time here.
If you are a continuing undergraduate who is unfortunate enough to be cornered by a particularly drunk almost-grad at a party, you will probably hear him yammer on and on about the friends he has made here and the great experiences he has had. This is pretty much my version of that, except that I'm really not one for sentimental whining.
First and foremost, RAs need to remember not to take themselves too seriously. It's been a while since I lived in the dorms, but I did spend my fair share of time in the University's supervised housing.
As such, I had the chance to experience the different styles of RAing that exist. There are certainly some that care the right amount about their jobs, but there is nothing worse than a power-crazy sophomore that thinks that he/she is the school's own personal Batman. These kids are just trying to have a good time; don't be a dick.
As for the residents, if you are unlucky enough to have one of these jokes as an RA and they catch you having two beers with your roommate (or twenty shots with the entire hall) and you are forced to do community service, it really isn't the end of the world. For the most part, you just sit around and get some homework done. It doesn't go on any sort of record, and, even if they will never admit it, your parents have done way worse stuff than you ever have.
Also, keep in mind that just because you are out on your own for the first time in your lives doesn't mean you need to absolutely lose your minds. Yes, alcohol is fun, but everyone has his limit, and it should be approached cautiously, not pole-vaulted.
You may think you're a tank because you woke up with 30 marks on your arm, but the truth is that you spent most of the night in the bathroom throwing up on yourself or crying because you've let your parents down or so-and-so is making out with someone else. Besides, most of those marks are lies anyway.
Freshmen, I know it's a little too late at this point, but for the love of God, take a shower. Just because mommy isn't here to tell you to take one doesn't mean you don't have to. My nose is always the first thing that lets me know how old you are.
When going out for the night, avoid any frat that only has one keg set up in the corner of the basement. These are the worst parties you will ever go to. You pay your five dollars just to find a line backed up three flights of stairs (stopping just short of the attic that no one is allowed into) that never moves.
Why is this? Because there's some jackass standing at the keg only filling up girls' cups in a pitiful attempt to get laid. By the way, to that guy, the girls are just using you, pal. You're going to bed alone, again. Stay with frats that keep the keg behind some sort of bar or give out cans; it's the only way to get your money's worth.
Obviously, some of you will return home after these outings with someone that you did not bring out with you. In these cases, use protection. But more importantly, never use Lifestyle condoms. They are terrible. These are pretty much the only condoms that you will find at campus events for free. There is a reason they are given away free – they are cheap. Condoms, much like toilet paper, are one of those items that you should never skimp on. These pathetic prophylactics break easier than the "virgin" that you are spending the night with.
All that being said, do not pay for condoms. Seriously, you don't need to. If you go to the Sub-Board office on South Campus, they give good condoms away for free. Trojans, Durex, Glow-in-the-Dark, you name it, they will probably have it.
If you do drugs, that's great. But if I have to listen to one more pothead give me the same "legalize it" speech, I'm going to shove his carb so far up his ass that his friends will have to take the next hit out of his mouth. Eat your Doritos and shut the hell up.
Finally, just remember to never let yourself get too bogged down in everything that you are doing here. This is college, so never let your schoolwork get in the way of your studies.
Email: carey.beyer@ubspectrum.com
