The Spectrum writes about music quite a bit, but usually it focuses its attention on albums. There hasn't been any segment covering all the inane singles polluting the radio. Until now. In this section, I'll be navigating the dark, murky waters of modern pop, and attempting to decipher the truly atrocious from the merely mediocre.
Katy Perry ft. Kanye West – "E.T."
Kanye is easily the best thing to happen to mainstream music in the past decade, so the fact that even he couldn't make Katy Perry seem bearable really says something. Remember, this is the guy who made us care about Estelle for 15 minutes back in 2008. At this point, Perry should officially be declared a lost cause. Between this, and Russell Brand's unnecessary remake of Arthur, this family is committing crimes against humanity left and right.
Britney Spears – "Till The World Ends"
This song was written by Ke$ha, and performed by someone who has absolutely no business still being famous, so how it managed to actually be decent is beyond me. The fact that Britney's robo-vocals are considerably stronger than Ke$ha's patented "drunk girl standing on a table at the bar at 3 a.m. begging someone to have sex with her" style probably doesn't hurt. Nothing special here, but a decent dance song, which is far more than anyone could've expected from these two.
The Black Eyed Peas – "Just Can't Get Enough"
Relax, it's not a Depeche Mode cover – although that would've been far more interesting. I didn't think I would ever long for the days of "I Gotta Feeling," but this bland, over-synthed ballad did the trick. As for the lyrics, they're standard Peas fare. If anyone was going to think "me love you long time" was a romantic line, it was Fergie. The Black Eyed Peas: lowering America's IQ by 10 points a year since 2004.
Wiz Khalifa – "No Sleep"
David Spade once joked that Lynyrd Skynyrd should refer to all their songs besides "Freebird" as "Not Freebird." After hearing this by-the-numbers stoner rap, I think Wiz should adopt a similar policy at Spring Fest – "this next song also isn't ‘Black and Yellow.'" Wiz seems like a nice guy, but beyond his breakout hit, he doesn't have much to say. What's that, Wiz? You like to smoke cannabis and engage in sexual intercourse with females? How utterly fascinating!
Chris Brown – "Look At Me Now"
What could Brown be referring to with that title? Probably, his transition from guy-who-beats-up-women to guy-who-punches-windows-because-someone-asked-him-about-beating-women. Well, I guess that is somewhat of an accomplishment, since Brown is better off taking his rage out on inanimate objects. Still, this isn't enough to save this rather limp attempt at braggadocio. Lil Wayne's verse makes it bearable, but the dull monotonous chorus sticks out like a sore thumb. Brown just doesn't sound inspired, maybe because he knows he hasn't really come that far.
Bruno Mars – "The Lazy Song"
Any song that rhymes "p90x" with "really nice sex" is fine by me. This is a surprisingly pleasant blend of hip-hop and Jack Johnson-esque pop. Yes, that probably sounds horrible, but really, it actually is a good song. Mars deserves some credit for actually trying to make lasting music and usually succeeding. Still, his decision to rhyme "snuggie" with "teach me how to dougie" doesn't bode well for this song's lifespan.
Email: john.hugar@ubspectrum.com
