...Kickin' in the front seat, sittin' in the back seat, gotta make my mind up, which seat can I take? It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday! Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend...
(If you didn't get that, good for you. Forget all about it. Resist the urge to ask someone what it means. You'll be better off.)
Here are some disjointed thoughts about some unrelated things, since I don't have much of an attention span left at this point in the semester, and neither do you (I hope you're still reading).
• How about the snow this week? Geez, Mother Nature, it's March freakin' 25! In Miami, Fla., the temperature is in the mid-80s. Can you really blame LeBron now?
This prolonged winter has got me depressed – I don't want to do my schoolwork, I use the weather as an excuse to drink, and I've diagnosed myself with "seasonal affective disorder."
I could complain all day. In Buffalo, we have the worst weather in the world, hands down. Who would want to live here? What's next, an earthquake? A tsunami?
• The Sons of Liberty, Mohandas Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Joining that honorable group of freedom fighters is the CVS in the UB Commons. You don't see civil disobedience nowadays, but this store is defiantly standing up for the rights of the students at this school.
In the past two years, UB has implemented a "UBreathe Free" policy, which prohibits anyone on campus from smoking, outside or inside. Well, CVS is sticking it to the man, because you can still go in there and buy cigarettes and other tobacco products. Righteous, noble, bastions of liberty!
(And don't give me any nonsense about how the Commons isn't technically owned by UB, so it's not technically "on campus." If that's not on campus, then I declare that The Spectrum's office isn't on campus, either, because we're an independent newspaper, and I'll light up a cigar right now. And I don't even smoke.)
(P.S. I bought it at CVS.)
• A rare serious moment in this column: there are few things worse than somebody who thinks he is funny and is always trying to be funny, except he isn't funny.
We came up with the idea of a weekly satire column last semester, thinking that it would be a fun addition to the newspaper – something that could make students laugh but also make some sort of statement about our lives and the world we live in.
I volunteered to do the column, hoping to challenge myself, work on a different style of writing, and improve the paper. Since we're a little past the midpoint of the semester, I think this is a good time to ask for some feedback.
I think some of the things I've written in this space have been funny, some have been intelligent, and some have been just plain dumb; and most things have been somewhere in between those three categories. But I want to know what you think. And I also would love to hear any suggestions that readers might have for possible topics to write about – thinking of those is easily the hardest part of doing this.
Because nobody likes the guy at the party who's laughing harder at his own jokes than anyone else is.
E-mail: luke.hammill@ubspectrum.com
This article is written as a satire piece and should be taken as such.
