The Spectrum recently published an editorial that reflected on the proposal, made by U.S. House Republicans, to eliminate many restrictions on greenhouse gases, prevent the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) from regulating greenhouse gas emissions, and eliminate portions of the Clean Air Act.
Republicans argue that such a bill would be greatly beneficial to businesses and corporations that lose money when they are forced to abide by the EPA's regulations.
This newspaper has also printed editorials that have dealt with the Republicans' pledge to "repeal and replace" President Barack Obama's landmark health care law. That law, say those on the right, reeks of socialism, and giving a free handout to Americans who haven't earned it is downright unfair to those who have.
My opinion on either issue is irrelevant to the purpose of this column. What I want to talk about is what the Republicans are going to do next, because it seems to me like they want to go backward rather than forward.
Now, you don't need a political science degree to know that conservatives do not like things to change quickly (or at all, for that matter) because they are happy with the status quo. But to me, today's Republicans are more reactionary than conservative. They want to return to a glorified past instead of gambling on a shaky future or even settling for the present.
So, what will they propose next? Here's a couple of guesses:
1. Bring back slavery. No, not the racial kind. But still the kind where rich people own poor people, profit from work that they perform without paying them, torture them, and restrict them from learning anything or having any other sort of rights.
This might have really thrown you off, but think about it. If the Republicans are looking to help out big businesses at the expense of everyone else in the nation (a la polluting the shit out of the air that everyone breathes in order to help out the only people who can afford health care when they get lung cancer), then this is the ultimate way to help out big business.
Here's the logic: why pay half-starving unemployed people welfare when we can use them for free work and guarantee them a free meal?
Hate your job? Is it torture to you? Do you feel that you have no rights while you're there? Well, be thankful, because if my analysis is correct, the Republicans will attempt to stop paying you.
2. Eliminate every gun law. First off, it would help every big gun company, and I've already explained about how Republicans love big businesses.
It would also cut through all of the bureaucratic red tape involved with background checks and safety precautions, which would also save the government money and help to eliminate that huge deficit – you know, the deficit that would be substantially lower if the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans gave up their tax break.
Nobody likes paying taxes, so it's much easier to give everyone guns and stop regulating them. It would hearken to the thoughts of the founding fathers when they wrote the Second Amendment to allow citizens to own AK-47s. And we all know how the Republicans love the Second Amendment.
Key point: hospitals will not lose any money from this, even though there would probably be a lot more violence and bloodshed.
They repealed health care, remember?
E-mail: luke.hammill@ubspectrum.com
This article was written as a piece of satire and should be taken as such.
