This article is satire.
My Facebook stats have been down lately – only a few "likes," barely any photo comments, no new friend requests, an empty inbox – and, in equal proportion, my real life has also been rather bland. It can't be a coincidence.
That's why I need to think of the coolest, wittiest, funniest, most interesting Facebook status ever. That would get things turned around for me.
I can visualize it now: there I am, sitting on my computer. (My phone isn't cool enough for Facebook Mobile.) I'm smoothly typing away in the "What's on your mind?" box, saying all the right things, using all the right words, making all the right references. I'm winning everyone over before I even press "Share." All of my 575 friends are at their own computers, glued to the screen, salivating, unable to take the suspense, wondering what I'm going to say.
After I post the status, I'll just kick back and watch the likes and comments accumulate, feeling more and more popular by the second. Everyone will be thinking about how cool I am. I'll feel like a world champion, sitting there in all of my glory. Then I'll get dressed.
Only problem is, I don't know what the status is going to be yet.
That's where you come in. For once, the e-mail address at the bottom of this column will actually have a purpose. Feel free to send me a suggestion for an awesome status. Come to think of it, don't e-mail me. Send me a Facebook message.
Before you send me anything, though, just know that I want this status to be completely and truly original. I mean, I don't want to be another one of the thousands posting about the Super Bowl on Sunday. I don't want to be just another person posting some lyrics from a song.
I want to stand out from the groups, events, and photo albums named after some abstract phrase that only the people in the pictures will understand. (Real album title: "You're my popcorn. I really like your kernels." What?)
I became consumed by this quest for the best status on Wednesday, when I had nothing better to do except sit on Facebook all day, because there was this crazy thing going on outside: white, powdery stuff was falling from the sky. There was no way I would have survived had I gone out there; inches of the stuff had accumulated on the ground. Good thing school was closed. There's no way anyone would have made it.
Where was I? Right, Facebook.
I've actually thought of something. I figured out what I'm going to use for my next status: this column! After all, it gets posted online in addition to being printed in the paper. It's something original, and, hopefully, my 575 friends will think I'm cool because I got published.
So, if, for some reason, you actually enjoyed this column, let me ask you for a favor. Don't just like it in real life. Make it count and like it on Facebook, too.
E-mail: luke.hammill@ubspectrum.com
