One of the biggest problems facing UB students this year is the lack of capacity on the Stampede buses. Oftentimes bus stops get very crowded, and when the bus comes, there are only a few spaces left. As a result, many students end up being late for class.
Luckily, UB has come up with a solution.
No, they're not buying more buses, and no, they're not getting bigger ones. They're just going to try and cram as many kids on as possible.
According to a UB representative, starting October 31st, the number of students permitted on a UB Stampede Bus will skyrocket from 60 to 500.
"We realized that 60 kids was way too small a number. We were wasting perfectly viable space and oxygen," the representative said. "The fact is, kids don't need luxuries like ‘oxygen' or ‘air,' they just need to get to class."
The representative went on to say that the idea for this came from listening to Radiohead.
"One night, me and my friend were getting stoned and listening to Amnesiac. Then, we heard the song ‘Packt Like Sardines In A Crushed Tin Box,' and I thought, ‘Hey, I know how to solve the busing problem! We'll just pack the kids in like sardines,'" the representative said. "Considering how little money they make, they're hardly more valuable than sardines to begin with. Why not just stuff them in there?"
The idea has received mixed reviews from the student body. Muggsy Bogues, a junior physics major, says he supports the idea.
"I'm only 5'3", so I have no problem fitting into small spaces," Bogues said. "Plus, I'm always late for my string theory class, so this will really help."
Other students, however, are not as enthused.
"Come on, I'm 7'2", there's no way this is going to work," said Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, an adult learner planning to major in economics. "My spine will be crushed. I have no idea how I'm going to get to class now."
Like it or not, the plan has already been passed by a secret underground freemason society located under Hochstetter Hall, so there's pretty much no stopping it at this point.
Still, a few angry students are planning to hold a protest against the measure. The Please Don't Take Away Our Oxygen rally will be held this Sunday next to Baird Point.
