The United States Government came to a halt Tuesday when the House of Representatives attempted to come to an agreement about where to order lunch.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) introduced legislation at noon that would have allowed members of Congress to call Domino's and order pizza rather than eating at the congressional café.
"I'm just sick of the regular crap," Pelosi said during a floor speech. "Let's all get some Domino's, chill for a bit and get back to all this legislative business after a few slices - maybe some cheesy bread."
The proposal was cast by Republicans as a socialist ploy to hijack the lunch and they strongly condemned the waste of money and resources that it would entail.
"Stop wasting money on delivery fees," House Minority Leader John Boener (R-OH) pleaded in an impassioned floor speech. "The American people want to see us tightening our belts, not loosening them as a result of copious amounts of pork. Pork is the primary ingredient of pepperoni which, although delicious, is still a massive, unnecessary reallocation of congressional lunch money."
House Democrats were quick to condemn the Republican opposition, citing their extreme hunger as justification for the order. Republicans were equally quick to condemn the Democrats for condemning their initial condemnation. Condemning that particular condemnation was the Congressional page staff who were growing hungrier by the moment.
A compromise seemed possible at around 2:30 p.m., when House Majority Leader, Steny Hoyer (D-MD), agreed to "spot" the Republican members of the house, creating for them a "lunch-money neutral" dining experience.
Barney Frank (D-MA) was referencing the nearest Domino's phone number in the Yellow Pages when House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) raised further concerns.
"I want Chinese," Cantor shouted from his seat.
Members scrambled to amend the legislation to include a provision for members to order Chinese, but a location could not be agreed upon. As time progressed, famished members of the House pushed for adherence to the original Domino's plan.
"This is a matter of individual freedom and liberty," said Ron Paul (R-TX). "If they get to dictate where I get lunch from, where will it end? This massive overreach of federal authority is unconstitutional and I will have no part of it."
Representative Paul then abruptly left the chamber and was seen headed toward Wendy's.
Realizing that further debate was hopeless, a defeated Pelosi adjourned the House, noting that no further legislative agenda would be pursued until everybody "got some grub." Pelosi added, "You all suck."
This article is a piece of satire.
