The Democratic National Committee announced Tuesday its plan for the upcoming midterm elections. The plan, nicknamed "The Plan," consists of the DNC's latest approach to shooting themselves in the foot.
"I think we've really got it down this time," says DNC Chairman Tim Kaine. "When it comes to the art of digging one's own grave, we Dems are number one!"
"The Plan" is divided into three key components, each designed to turn the U.S. political map blood red. The first component will consist of national television ads paid for by the DNC. The ads will consist of key Democratic candidates parking their luxury sedans in handicapped parking zones, taking candy from babies and not holding the door open for little old ladies.
The next step is a classic in the Dem's playbook. They will be "accidentally" contributing a large amount of funds to the Republican National Committee. This tactic has long been used by Dems, especially during times of Democratic majority. RNC data shows that before Rupert Murdoch began contributing, Democrats were the largest source of the RNC's contributions.
The final step is also the most time consuming of the three: the process in which DNC representatives search for viable candidates for office.
"We've really had to step it up this year," Kaine said. "The Republicans have really brought it these last few years, first with closeted homosexuals being outwardly against gay marriage and now with the nutjobs swarming to the Tea Party."
On "Meet the Press" this Sunday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced how candidates will be found.
"We won't rest until we've searched every prison, lunatic asylum and AA meeting. We need our candidates to be really special this year," Reid said.
Historian Bennet T. Tomlinson agrees with that statement, pointing out the famous 1886 landslide Maine senatorial race between Republican candidate Chester B. Bloomingdale and Democrat Bree-Bree, an ape-man found living in the northern pine woods.
"The Democrats must look to their past if they wish to stay on top of their game," Tomlinson said. "A good point is to use some of the classic approaches taken by earlier generations. These include the racist approach of George Wallace, the scumbag approach of John Edwards and the ever popular hypocrite approach, taken by most in political office."
"What the Democrats truly hope for with this plan," he continued, "is a widespread repeat of the 2004 presidential campaign, in which John Kerry used the bland approach and was defeated by President George W. Bush."
That defeat, for many Democrats, is still emotional six years later. "There was almost no chance of losing to Bush at that time, what with the two wars, the trampling of civil liberties and the outright lying, but we did it," said Mr. Kaine, his eyes pooling with tears. "We did it."
What the DNC is not hoping for is the failure of their 2008 presidential election, which resulted in the election of Barack Obama.
