O.K. seniors, here's the deal. Graduation is coming whether you like it or not. Regardless of whether you're "ready" to grab your really expensive piece of paper and skip on into life where either a job, more school or unemployment awaits, there are some things you should know before you show up at Alumni Arena on that fateful Sunday morning.
And so, The Spectrum presents to you a list to help you prepare for graduation. Think of it as our graduation gift to you. Seriously. This is all you're getting. We're poor.
- Get your cap and gown. You're going to look a little silly if you show up and you don't look like you're about to join UB's secular academic cult. The bookstore will be open and selling caps and gowns through the morning of graduation. No excuses. Dress like a champion.
- Get to the Triple Gym in Alumni around 8:30. Get there early. UB officials need to make sure we're all herded into our majors and are lined up properly. Think about how mad your Mom will be if they call out your name and there's some random kid's face on the big screen.
- Tell your grandmother to bring her knitting and your dad to bring the newest issue of Golf Digest, because it's going to be a long wait. While seating is ticketed, it is general admission and seats are first come first serve. Tell your parents to get there early and find some way to occupy themselves while they wait for you to officially grow up.
- Don't try to trade beer coupons or your firstborn for extra graduation tickets. There's overflow seating with a closed-circuit broadcast in the CFA main stage — it's the same image that'll be on the big screen in Alumni. Seeing graduation in the CFA is like actually being in Alumni … except not.
- Practice and expand upon your favorite daydream. You will be sitting in Alumni for about two and a half hours. You're going to want to think about something other than if the UB bull statue on stage is anatomically correct … because that's just weird.
- Be ready for your moment. When they call your name your face will be on the screen so even the crying parents in the nosebleeds can see it … and it will be HUGE. Primp, wax, tan, switch to light beer, hit the gym — but don't go too crazy. No one looks sexy in a cap and gown, anyway.
- Take pictures with your friends. Let's be honest. UB is a lot bigger than your high school. The likelihood of ever seeing 98 percent of these people again is about zilch, so take photos with them while you can. Plus, it'll just add to your "cool" factor as a parent when you show your future kids how popular you were.
- Behave yourself. Yes, you made it through four, five or six years of undergrad to finally get that degree, but you're also in your twenties. This is no time for beach balls, playing the "(snow) penis game" or screaming, "Hi, Mom!" Let's keep it classy, UB.
- Don't "celebrate" too much on Saturday night. With the giant number of undergrads, you're going to need to be competent and clear-headed to survive this beast of a ceremony. The PBR can live without you for one night.
- Last but not least, enjoy it. For the first time in probably your entire UB career, the university is celebrating YOU. For approximately 20 seconds, President Simpson and other UB administrators are going to know who you are. Plus, graduating from college is kind of a big deal. Enjoy it and have a great time.
E-mail: news@ubspectrum.com
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