Despite the extraordinarily clement, spring-like weather, UB decided to remain open today. Vice President for Student Affairs Dennis Black rose before the rooster's crow as normal. Black subsequently did his ritual sun dance, to tempt the ball of fire from the shadows of the Orient.
A witness of the phenomenon said that she heard Black speaking a language unknown to her, and it sounded like wind.
"It was almost like he was sucking the sun out of the clutches of Asia," said Brenda Dixon.
Further investigation uncovered that the typical morning winds on campus were actually Black yelling towards the east: "Get your chopsticks off my sun."
The last time Black failed at his duties to keep UB open was in October 2006, causing a massive storm. While he was able to pluck the sun from the chopsticks of the east, the Chinese had tainted the sphere of light.
"I had never seen magic of the Orient displayed in such a fantastic way," Black said.
So school is open. But what does this mean?
"Openness has been adopted as the most important Strategic Strength of UB 2020," said Robert Shibley, deity of parking lots. "UB will always be open."
On the contrary, Black and Shibley's efforts to prevent UB from departing the elemental condition of openness is being disputed by some.
"What does it mean that we're 'open?' In a sense, this openness you speak of is non-existent as long as the derivational genocide of melancholic demagoguery continues," said Fredrick Kierkegaard, visiting professor of existentialist philosophy, who's going to Hell in a hand basket.
Controversy aside, the sun's presence on campus has been reassuring to many students who feared they would have to miss classes.
"All I knew was that I had a test in quantitative molecular metaphysics that I couldn't miss," said Elijah Isaac, freshman honor student and resident of Governerd's Complex.
Nobody appreciates school staying open more than Black.
"We must prevent the immoralities of the time with education," Black said. "Fecundity, promiscuity, drunkenness, uncleanliness, sickness, disease and chaos all result when UB closes."
Campus Crusades for Christ believe that Black may be the Messiah, and are beseeching with world religious leaders to come witness Black's great powers.
"He is risen. He is risen. Hallelujah, hallelujah," the group yelled in unison.
*April Fools Article Disclaimer - This content of this article was
published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
