If you've ever lived in close quarters with roommates, as most of us have, then you've probably longed for a little down time at some point or another.
An all-encompassing social setting can distract a student from more important things (like studying, right?). And we all know how obnoxious a group of rowdy college kids can get, especially when alcohol is involved.
Inundated within a boisterous mass of drunken dudes, each with a raucous story better and louder than the one before, you begin to wonder when everyone will leave, or at least pass out.
So here is a quick and handy guide on how to utilize the power of music to disperse an unwanted mob.
First, know your crowd. Before you drop some Ace of Base hotness, be sure that the folks around you are firmly averse. After all, there's an MTV-raised pre-teen in all of us that still remembers all the lyrics. And more often than not, this strategy backfires miserably, resulting in a painful "All That She Wants" sing-along that continues long after the song ends.
Second, get your stereo straight. A split second of half-volume cacophony will sabotage your discordant blitzkrieg. As soon as your straight-laced targets catch a whiff of something non-commercial, you'll be in for a castigatory round of "Nah, brah's" and "So not chill's," followed by a punitive hour of Lil' Jon and Young Jeezy.
Finally, diversify your portfolio. If your playlist consists of Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, and John Mayer, then you're probably not going to be annoying anyone who didn't hate you already. The following is a brief summary of some of my favorites.
"Electric Love Machine" by Acid Mothers Temple. Though this Japanese psychedelic band looks like a bunch of harmless hippies, their sound is a far cry from the folksy wuss-rock from which they evolved.
The song starts with a deceptively good-natured surf guitar riff, which erupts into an inexorable wall of mutant noise and synthesizers within seconds and doesn't relent for five throbbing minutes.
"Cars Pass in Cold Blood/Casual Sex" by The Faint. This piece is a high point for the techno band that made it okay for hipsters to listen to techno. And since they play an appropriated form of dance/rock music, it starts off in a pleasantly accessible vein that will have almost everyone saying, "Oh, yeah, that's pretty cool, it's kinda like new wave."
But the segue between these two numbers serves as a testament to atonal noise rock, complete with electronic hisses, over-over-driven guitars, and swallowed-up, dropped-out drums. This arbitrary, mid-beat explosion will have hands over ears and trajectories towards the door.
"It Took The Night To Believe" by Sunn 0))). An utterly horrifying selection from the drone duo's utterly horrifying catalogue, this "song" sounds like Aphex Twin without the loops, or a "spooky Halloween sounds" cassette with guitar. "It Took The Night" is essentially just a bunch of screaming over a dissonant guitar drone that could have come from a Super Mario Bros. castle.
"Moonlight On Vermont" by Captain Beefheart. Zappa's prot?(c)g?(c) was a master of infusing po-mo strangeness into 60s blues-rock, and this track from the first half of "Trout Mask Replica" is exemplary.
Grating and angular slide guitar licks, dimly circular tom rolls, and Beefheart's signature low, low blues drawl establish the frame for a thoroughly obnoxious, though sadistically accessible, jam.
"Anything" by The Locust. These avant-metal-heads are the Elvis Presleys of crowd-clearing. The four-piece amalgamates synthcore, grindcore, and mathcore to generate some unpredictable, inharmonious, and jarring masterpieces. It's acid rock on crack, PCP, and speed. If you've heard them, you know.
Playing any of the above at the right inopportunity is sure to ruin the party, prevent a few beer spills on your ENG 101 paper, and make your neighbors despise you. But don't stop there.
What's important about fringe music is how saliently it highlights the sheer inability of most people to deviate from the norm.
The commercial fame-exposure-fame cycle guarantees musical hegemony and ensures less and less choice of what to listen to. Experimental music reminds us, hopefully, that music is not limited to whichever three rappers or pop-rock stars are on the menu for the week.
At the very least, it will get your roommates to leave so you can listen to "Don't Turn Around" in private.
