All over the news this past week has been the story of a little girl who was killed at the paws of a bear in Tennessee. While her death was a tragedy, the way she died was, in my opinion, admirable. With all due sympathy to little Elora and her family, the first thing that came to mind for me was, "Man, that would be a great way to go."
Most deaths are undramatic, commonly caused by heart problems, cancer, diabetes, or some other disease that are all, for lack of a better word, lame.
I don't know about you, but I don't want my coup de grace to be on some warm bed with tubes jammed into my every orifice. Like little Elora, I want go out in style.
For anyone else who shares this sentiment, I've compiled a list of the nine coolest ways to say sayonara.
9) "(Live) Operation: The Kid's Game." Strap yourself to an electric shock device and shriek in terror as little Joey removes your essential organs at his leisure. Forget donating your body to science after death; give this valuable educational experience to the future surgeons of America now.
8) Use an active volcano as a bidet. You'll quickly learn that there is something that will burn your ass more than an outgoing chalupa.
7) Bubonic plague. This one's for those trendsetters out there. Put this flesh-eating disease back in style like some vintage Adidas or an intentionally torn pair of jeans. Diseases these days are pitiful; AIDS can take a full lifetime to kill while the bubonic plague could put an end to you in a day. It even works as a catch phrase: "That death was so bubonic."
6) Guillotine yourself with the Boston 2612 paper cutter. Ever so sick of monotonous office work that you want to end it all with the crunching downswing of the Boston 2612? Before attempting this death, make sure the blade's not too dull, or you'll look like an idiot in front of your coworkers.
5) Modern-day crucifixion. Just ask yourself one question: "What would Jesus do?" So many people try to live up to the alleged Son of God everyday, but so few are willing to emulate his death. I think if you're going to set out to do something, you should do it all the way through, especially since this death is so cheap and easy. All you need is a friend, $20, and a quick trip to The Home Depot. Disclaimer: No resurrections allowed.
4) Extreme Decathlon. I'm sick of all these "extreme" sports where nothing even remotely devastating happens. I've seen more injuries caused by sliced golf balls than I have watching the "X-Games." In the Extreme Decathlon you can take part in a number bone jarring, death un-defying stunts such as shot put dodgeball, the long jump into quick sand, and the lunar pole vault that sends you into the depths of outer space to die a terribly prolonged and lonely death.
3) Skydive onto the lightning rod of the Empire State Building. By shish kabobing yourself on this edificial landmark, you'll be the in the headline of every newspaper on the planet. This is by far the most challenging death, but also the most rewarding.
2) Pai Mei's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique. When Pai Mei gives you a courteous nod, ignore this generous social gesture and endure the coolest death Hollywood ever invented.
1) Eaten by a bear. There's nothing more natural, more manly, more glorious than getting mauled by a 10-foot-tall grizzly. Sure, little Elora's death came a bit prematurely, but she exited this world as so few get to. If I had my choice, this would be it, hands down.
Honorable Mentions. Take a tornado-propelled vinyl record to the skull, endure a town stoning, or have your heart ripped out of your chest by Mola Ram of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" fame.
