Like the prodigal son who falls into extra money with the passing of a distant relative, UB had momentarily struck it rich. As it turns out though, before Gov. George Pataki passes on to greener political pastures, his will and testament needed a few minor changes. Make that 2.9 billion little changes. And by changes, I mean dollars cut from the New York State budget.
Among the cuts were $400 million in construction money for SUNY, $25 million of which was slated for a new UB engineering building. Somehow, Buff State got to keep $50 million for its extreme campus makeover. I can only assume Buff State alumnus Byron Brown, Buffalo's mayor, was more willing to rub Pataki's feet during those lazy weekends in the living room, while UB President John Simpson was either too grossed out or preoccupied with Saturday morning cartoons.
Either way, it's always stuff like that which comes back to haunt you, and UB is one state-of-the-art engineering building short because of it.
Perhaps more significant, Pataki also used his cuts to target the Tuition Assistance Program. Among the veto-driven changes is raising to 15, from 12, the number of credit hours students must take to be eligible for TAP. Of course, this means students already struggling to pay for college will have a harder time balancing jobs and classes. A considerable number might have to drop from school entirely in order to support families, or even just themselves.
So, not only is UB down $25 million, but it also has several clips worth of tuition money that it will no longer be raking in. What's a SUNY school to do for money when faced with a grinch of a governor? I have a few ideas:
Bake sales. OK, let's do the math. Factor No. 1: everyone loves a good bake sale. Factor No. 2: I hear Simpson and Provost Satish Tripathi make a mean biscotti. And factor No. 3: this school is full of hungry college students with loose change just clamoring to be spent on cheap cinnamon fritters and cr?(c)me caramel. Figure that items at a UB bake sale would cost $1 on average, and I'm betting the Simpson administration, using the principles of bioinformatics, could sell 500 baked goods at each stand. With two sales on North Campus, two on South and one downtown, that's $2,500 a day.
Unfortunately, at that pace it would take 27 years of daily bake sales just to make the $25 million, but that's why UB can also turn to...
House parties. Simpson could make a killing throwing keg parties at his Amherst mansion. Folks, we're talking about a 6,570-square-foot, six-bedroom home worth $720,000 on almost two acres of land. As far as real estate goes in Buffalo, it might as well be Central Park West.
What other amenities does it have? Can't say that I know, although while checking it out on zillow.com, I can see the perfect place for the bonfire: the massive UB seal patio that dwarfs the one in the Student Union. Plus, you can even walk there from South Campus, allowing for ideal party migration.
Save the address, everyone: 889 LeBrun Rd.
Whore itself out. Canisius would have to pay by the hour, bringing a whole new meaning to "cross-registering." True, we'd have to cut into Buff State turf, but you can't beat a bull.
Look under Baird Hall for loose change. Don't bother tipping over the Alfiero Center, which hasn't been here long enough for anything of value to gather underneath it other than several Seneca nations of un-bent paper clips (with tax-exempt lint), but Baird could be a gold mine. It's the equivalent of that sofa in the den that looks pretty comfortable, but you already have your favorite chair so you never sit in it. Who does? You have no idea, but it's somebody alright, and UB stands to profit.
Get a job. Tops and Wegmans are always hiring, and UB certainly has the free time, especially with the summer coming up. Plus, Wegmans offers scholarships.
I can't picture the university at the register, but certainly as a "Helping Hands" staffer who pushes shopping carts around the parking lot. Not only would North Campus look stunning in a safety-orange reflective vest, but it would also get its picture up on the wall, a model of community citizenship (until, that is, the community finds out UB is using its $7.50 an hour to smoke up with the other employees after hours in the "Wokery" and munch on day-old sesame chicken).
If all the above ideas fail, there is a nuclear option. Raise the comprehensive fee, hike the cost of food on campus, and stick students with the burden. Clearly, UB already has this contingency plan underway, so with only a few alterations we could make it part of UB2020.
Hell, it's either that or Simpson's biscotti and house parties. Which one is more realistic?
