As a column writer this past year, I'll be the first to admit that I've written on a lot of rather meaningless topics. I've told you about how I've dabbled in celibacy (still going strong), I've listed cool ways to die, I've advocated cannibalism, and I've even told religion to go to hell.
While I've enjoyed writing about such pointlessness, I suppose I'll end my days with something that matters. With the paltry bit of wisdom I have, here are a few important messages that I'd like to pass on before retiring from my column-writing career.
A casino in Buffalo is a terrible idea. It's not just a terrible idea, it's a travesty that this is even being considered. The proposed Seneca Casino would be exempt from paying taxes, giving it an unfair advantage over all the businesses in the area. The Niagara Casino is proof of this, as it's gobbling up small businesses like marbles in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
We've been breaking treaties for 300 years with the Native Americans. Why stop now, especially when the consequences of not doing so are as grave as this? Some people are calling this a last ditch effort to save Buffalo with what might be a huge revenue maker. But this Casino will only put money into the pockets of those highest up on the Seneca totem pole and prey on the poor.
Conservatives are not people too. I'm sick of showing tolerance for people who lack a basic regard for humanity. Not only does America have more weapons and emit more hazardous toxins into the air than any other country, we have the largest stockpile of idiots too. According to last year's presidential election, 51 percent of the population is on the same level as Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.
For all the Cleti out there, I'm not ragging on conservatives who lean to the right because of abortion, gun control or capital punishment. A fetus here, a convict there, and a random school shooting don't matter in the great scheme of things. I'm talking about conservatives who ignorantly support a government that generously grants incentives to corporations, kills hundreds of thousands of foreign civilians, and turns a blind eye to the wellbeing of the environment; all for the sake of prohibiting gay marriage. It is these conservatives who should not only be barred from the voting booths, but also taken out back to be violently flogged by the elderly volunteers.
Dandruff shampoo does not work. Don't waste your time or your money. I've bought every brand of dandruff shampoo and I haven't been able to put a stop to the Blizzard of '77 that sheds daily from my perpetually dry scalp. I've put my John Hancock on flakes as big as Eucharist wafers after lathering on half a bottle of Head & Shoulders. So don't bother trying to stop the unstoppable.
Shut up about how time flies. If I hear another chippery female remark to their girlfriend about how quickly the semester went by again, I'm going to lose it. How can it go by fast if you say it about every possible time frame?
Kurt Vonnegut said, "Time can be likened to a fly trapped in amber-we see each moment in time as if it is frozen-it has always occurred and always will occur. All time is all time, it does not change or lend itself to explanations-it simply is. Take it moment by moment and you will find that we are all bugs in amber."
To be honest, I don't know what Vonnegut's talking about, but I do know that time always seems like it's going by fast.
Tomorrow you will graduate. In two days you'll be 40. You'll be dead in three. And I guarantee it's going to come quicker than you realize. So quit complaining about how fast the time's going by and do your utmost to enjoy the little amount of time you have left.
Join a club or organization. Before I joined The Spectrum two years ago, I was the shady kid on campus who never talked to anyone. Now, I'm the shady kid on campus who talks with a couple people.
In all seriousness, my time with The Spectrum has given this chapter of my life new meaning and direction. I value all the experiences I had here and although I have been underpaid, undersexed, and overworked, I will always embrace the memories I have had as a writer and editor.
I've pissed off and insulted a lot of people, and if you were one of them-I'm sorry. But it was all in good fun, and you were merely collateral damage wreaked in my mission to amuse others.
Unfortunately, the real world beckons, and I must sadly say goodbye to a job that was so good to me.
