So much for my inter-species dating site, BeastBuds4Ever.com.
Eyebrows across the nation were raised, knitted and furrowed in response to President Bush's condemnation of what he called "human-animal hybrids" during last week's State of the Union address.
Most viewers were left with visions of satyrs and centaurs bounding through their communities currently populated by people entirely human. While the prospect of shaking hands with a cleft-hoofed human might make for an award business luncheon, it's not exactly what Bush was referring to. It takes a little clearing up.
The President's discomfort is merited, but likely misguided.
However damaging his vagueness on the issue might have been to his appearance as a knowledgeable or even sane person, the development of "human-animal hybrids," or chimeras as their known in the scientific community, is as legitimate a topic as stem-cell research or cloning.
The chimera controversy is a recent addition to the ever-growing dispute over bio-medical research ethics. On Jan. 25, less than a week before President Bush's speech, National Geographic printed a story outlining the issue.
According to the article, a chimera is any creature that is part human, part animal, a definition that broadens the scope immensely. Chimeras aren't just mythological beasts that guard the gates of Dante's Inferno or roam the labyrinth. They include any splicing of species, at the cellular or tissue level.
People with faulty heart valves routinely have portions of heart tissue replaced by that of a cow or a pig. These people would then be considered part animal. Obviously this practice should not be eliminated, though some human-body purists do oppose it.
Activists have come out in opposition to the development of human organs in other species and similar practices. According to National Geographic, Irv Weissman, a Stanford University scientist, wants to conduct an experiment in which he would attempt to grow human brains in mice. The mice would be killed prior to birth, then dissected to inspect for human brain development. In theory, the experiment could contribute information that may help in research of brain diseases.
Animal rights activists have legitimate concern to these types of practices. Animal testing and experimentation has long been a major issue for organizations like People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the U.K.-based Animal Aid.
However, it is unlikely that animal cruelty is the basis for President Bush's opposition. His consistent argument against stem-cell research has been that it marginalizes human life due to the necessary destruction of a human embryo. So one would think that using animals instead would appeal to him.
But as is always the case for President Bush with respect to moral issues, his answer is the Christian answer. According to his logic, the body is a temple, not to be tainted by the presence of lower species. The real problem the President sees is that science is upsetting the "natural order."
While he should be worried about the treatment of animals and the possible advancement that could be made in the field of biomedicine, his blink-rate is increasing in fear of being the President who condoned a human attempt to usurp God's creative power.
Believe me, it was tempting to write a complete satire relating his proposed ban on the vague concept of human-animal hybrids to Saturday Night Live character Goat Boy, a Major League Baseball mandate that bat boys be given new names, or The National Enquirer's Bat Boy, the Mexican Chupacabra and my girlfriend's dog that's been trying to hump the family cat, and much, much more.
However, there is a legitimate issue here that President Bush has made a punch line with his inadequate description. Many Americans have laughed off the chimera controversy. Newspaper headlines have included, "The Truth Behind the Beast-Men" (Daily Texan, University of Texas), and "Bush Wants No More 'Goat Boys' " (The Connecticut Post).
His State of the Union address was only 53 minutes long. With just one minute more, he could have made himself look smarter, which should be high on his list of priorities, and he could have made the issue seem legitimate.
