Just when you think they can't get any worse, corporate America steps in and takes it up a notch.
McDonald's is offering hip-hop artists anywhere from $1 to $5 for each time one of their songs with a Big Mac reference makes it to the radio in a new marketing campaign aimed at reinvigorating the dying double burger of death.
The easy angle is how horrible this is, another step in the wrong direction for a healthier, slimmer America. Radio has made it clear in the past few years that it is simply a vehicle for major label advertising.
When local radio station WEDG switched its format from "new rock" to "worse rock," it wasn't denying the blossoming indie rock movement; it was bowing to a rule that demands your average listener's age be above 21 if the majority of your sponsors were alcohol companies.
I prefer a better angle. I want in. Get my jam on the radio. I'll talk about Big Macs until my face caves in.
Think of all the words that rhyme with Big Mac. Here's a sample from my first single, "Rollin' With Ron McDon":
"I don't need to sell crack/just mention the Big Mac/ Stuffed like twelve Shaqs give writers heart attacks/ Snap back like Dolly's rack/ Pack hearts like Nick 'Gak'/ Secret World of Alex Mack/ Better do some jumping jacks/ Nutrition it might lack/ Drew Bledsoe it might sack/ Cut Ron some McSlack/ In French 'Le Big Mac.' "
You think that's fly. Some dirty hippies asked me to pitch their hemp wear.
"What, you think I bathe?/ Player I sell hemp/ Make you look funnier than Detlef Schrempf/ More illegitimate kids than his teammate Shawn Kemp/ No respect given to fourth Stooge Shemp/ You kids think the hippies all look unkempt/ Why you think our jobs are all labeled 'temp?'/ Got emotional Hebrews feeling all verklempt/ Filing W-2s until we're all exempt."
Man, I could make some serious dough. Like offering Snoop Dogg to pimp Dairy Queen's "Blizzard." The Blizzle-wizzle madness would never, ever end.
Enough about Snoop, this is my career we're talking about. Just check out the vile flow I spew in my single for Seagram's Gin, which struck a similar deal with Kanye West and Petey Pablo last year (Pablo's "Freek-a-leek," with the line, "Now I got to give a shout out to Seagram's Gin/Cause I'm drinkin' it and they payin' me for it," was the No. 2 song in America last year).
"High like I'm rolling on 12-foot rims/ Bowled me right over on Seagram's Gin/ 7-10 split with Tiny Tim/ Cripple named Cratchet 'til Scrooge chipped in/ UFC Koshcheck lost without the pin/ Fighting cage matches in the city of Sin/ Always hear my voice above the din/ Loving like Costner when the cup is Tin/ 'Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em' in the bargain bin/ We got an editor who is Franklin Pierce's next of kin."
Dynamite! And the hits keep coming.
As long as we're rocking this consumerism hard, just think of all the things that rhyme: Whopper, Pizza Hut, Windex, Subway, Red Lobster.
It's endless.
Viva capitalism!
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
