Billy goats, hold on to your socks.
UB scientists from the Institute for Lasers have bypassed the cloning fad and left Dolly in the dark, using their lasers to create the first-ever fetus with a phone attached to its ear.
"Well, you see, we used our lasers," said Laser Professor William Hung, head scientist of Fetus-on-a-Phone.
"It was actually a mistake," Hung said. "Stephen Hawking had hired us to clone him so he could raise his own clones as children, but when we started firing our lasers at his sperm sample - BAM! Fetus-on-a-Phone materialized before our eyes."
The fetus, named "Elaine" for its abnormally large head, is currently suspended by lasers on the fourth floor of the Natural Sciences Complex.
The Institute for Lasers is considering several options concerning Elaine's future. Hawking has shown no interest in the fetus, calling it a "mistake" at a press conference Tuesday and leaving the fate of little Elaine in the hands of laser scientists.
"We might try to get a patent, but UCLA has offered a large sum of money to purchase Elaine from us," Hung said.
It's also possible that Elaine will be transferred to the Bioinformatics Department, though no one is quite sure what happens there, or if it actually exists.
Opponents of Elaine's creation picketed outside NSC Tuesday, chanting, "Technology is Femicide!" and carrying posters depicting a telephone with an X through it.
Creators of the fetus are still working to clarify whether it called someone, or someone called it, and who will pay the phone bill.
"Maybe it's talking to God," said Hung. "Maybe Joan Osborne. We really can't determine that until we tap the phone line."
The laser department does not permit pictures of Elaine, as it may disintegrate or begin to speak in different tongues if exposed to flash. However, members of the UB community are welcome to view the fetus in its suspended state for a small fee of $88 per person.
Neil Goldman, a freshman laser major who took part in the project, finds the promise of a new tomorrow in the pint-sized yet technologically savvy laser child.
"To all those kids who gave me ultimate wedgies in high school when I was trying to deliver the overhead projectors - eat my shorts. I'm going to laser all my fetuses to have telephones. It's the wave of the future, much like Dippin' Dots."
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
