Quota to Limit Female Admissions from Long Island

Until yesterday it was a natural fact of life in the Empire State.

Every August, a tide of late-model German cars packed with cosmetics and designer headbands flowed north from Long Island to Buffalo.

Yet after years of protest from the UB community, President John B. Simpson proposed sweeping admissions reforms yesterday that will stem the tide to a faint trickle.

According to Simpson, the plan will limit female students from Nassau and Suffolk County to 1 percent of total enrollment.

"In the past month, I have shared many conversations with UB students and critically evaluated the direction of our institution," Simpson said. "With this new policy, I have addressed your one resounding complaint."

Simpson said he made up his mind about the quota when he was stuck on an elevator for three hours with a female Nassau County resident, who, according to Simpson, talked on her cell phone the entire time.

"When I first arrived at UB I thought it was funny - you know, the cell phones and accents and everything," Simpson said. "Frankly, I just can't stand it anymore."

Admissions officials said they had nothing but praise for Simpson's decision.

"This is a great day for Upstate New York," said Dean of Admissions Patricia Armstrong, as she cracked open a cool bottle of pop and sat down to watch a Sabres game. "If I had to hear 'Like, so is Amherst, like, a borough of Buffalo?' one more time I think I'd flip."

While Capen Hall celebrated, dark clouds of opinion gathered over the Student Union tables and the Campus Caf?(c).

"Oh my god," said senior communication major Leah Michelle "Cosmo" Schmaltz, who at press time had spent 76 consecutive hours at her sorority's table. "That is so unfair. Like the time at Tanning Bed when they said I couldn't come back for the third time in one day."

Tina Tortellini, a sixth year drinking major in line for a Peluso at Campus Caf?(c), nearly dropped her handbag when she heard the news.

"Whaaat? That policy is so - I don't even know," Tortellini said. "Oh my god."

Shock and dismay also rang out in the Main Street bar district following Simpson's announcement.

Fearing a severe drop in revenue, Tucker Curtin, owner of The Steer, scrambled to make plans to move the entire facility to Long Island this fall.

"Hey, we're just following the demographic," Curtin said. "We can't afford to lose this group's business. These girls sent my kids to college."

Members of the Western New York tanning industry and Buffalo cosmetics industry were equally frustrated.

"President Simpson's choice basically ensures that makeup and UV rays will stop flowing in Western New York," said tanning tycoon Melanoma Carcinogen. "And that's something that, quite frankly, we're very concerned about."

As the well of girls from "L.I." dries up at UB next year, guys from "Strong Island" on campus have already begun to worry that they might be next.

"Yo Troy! Yo! Turn the music down," said Tony Bagadoughnuts, a senior lifting major.

Once the room quieted, Bagadoughnuts said that he had some choice words for Simpson.

"Aight. If President Simpson wants to cut our enrollment, I got three words for him," he said. "You wanna fight?"