Now that there is an official face on President George W. Bush's possible successor, it may be time to start thinking about replacements for every other cabinet position. I wondered what popular figures could fill out the dozen plus roles of our nation's top positions.
The easiest spot to fill is the most recently created Secretary of Homeland Security. The obvious choice is Jack Bauer, of the TV show "24," giving up his role as a freelance counter-terrorist to settle into a desk job that does not require going undercover to infiltrate drug rings. He could go into the field if he wanted to, but I would not trust the safety of my citizens or my country to anyone else.
After that, I'd find a Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That's right, currently the position is vacant. For this, I'd reach back in time and select Joe Pesci's character in the 1991 film, "The Super." Pesci plays Louie Kritski, a rich landlord who is forced to live in one of his own rundown buildings. Needless to say, comedy ensues and he comes out of the ordeal with a better view of the underprivileged, something that would shape his policy decisions for the better.
The next position that needs filling will have low standards. The current Secretary of Education, Rod Paige, ran into some trouble when he called the NEA a "terrorist group." In addition, his whole career is based on falsifying the data of the Texas School System. Anyway, there are so many excellent educators in media history, and narrowly edging out Mr. Kotter and Steve Harvey for the job is Principle Belding of "Saved by the Bell." Any man who can get Zach Morris to graduate (and get an impossible 1502 on his SATs!) is worthy of the position.
For Secretary of Commerce, I'll take the man who has had more success at selling products than any other over the last decade: George Foreman. Whether it is mufflers or his essential grill, no one has been more efficient at choosing the right products to endorse and integrating them into society. His tireless work made the grill a kitchen necessity, and he will do the same for all American products.
No cabinet is complete without a Secretary of Transportation, and no pop-culture reference is complete without a character from "The Matrix." With her driving prowess, Trinity would assume that role. She would revolutionize how we all commute, with more emphasis on motorcycles, driving against traffic and teleporting through phones.
After all that, but before filling the major roles, I'd install Hawkeye Pierce of MASH as Secretary of Veterans Affairs, C. Montgomery Burns as Secretary of Energy, Dr. Phil as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kevin Costner as Secretary of Labor (he's somehow been able to find work time and time again), Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie as Secretaries of Agriculture and Snoop Dogg as Secretary of the Interior.
Now it gets important. There's only one real choice for Secretary of Defense - the best defensive player in the league, Raven's Linebacker Ray Lewis. He's won two of the last five "Defensive Player of the Year" awards, including taking 2003's honors. His bone -crushing hits would strike fear in the heart of our enemies, who would not think about throwing the ball over the middle.
As Secretary of Treasury, I'd need someone who knows how to handle money and finances. For this, I'd have take Scrooge McDuck. He hates deficits because he loves swimming. Maybe we could turn Fort Knox into a gigantic public pool. I'm not sure about putting it all into a money bin, but he'd do an excellent job.
For Attorney General, Andy Griffith would be called out of retirement, and his placard would simply say, "Matlock." It would be so easy to interrogate and investigate if near the end of the case, the real perpetrators stood up and confessed. It would save the system millions of dollars. Plus if I announce his appointment before the election, I'd be guaranteed the senior vote.
Lastly, I'd need to find a Secretary of State to be in charge of foreign affairs and be first in line of all the cabinet positions to be President if my Vice President (Conan O'Brien), the Speaker of the House (Rikki Lake), the President pro tempore of the Senate (Chris Berman) and I (Dan Stein) all die. For that role, he must be eloquent, and he must have toured the world many times. It has to be Bob Dylan. If he can work with world leaders as well as he worked with The Band in the 1970s, there'd never be another war.
With this all-star cast, not only would we create positive policies that would solve all America's problems, we'd also make a hysterical reality show.
