In an attempt to play off of God himself, ESPN.com Page 2's Bill Simmons, I recorded my own little diary of the events that took place this past weekend on the UB football trip to Iowa with my cohort, John Norman.
Friday, 12 noon - The whole bunch of us, players, coaches, fans, cheerleaders, administration, trainers, and yes, even us lowly Spectrum editors too, get ready to hop aboard a plane bound for Iowa. Oddly enough, the plane we board is called "Miami Air." Hmm, strange, a plane from Buffalo and bound for Iowa named Miami Air. It sort of looks like a retro plane back from the 70's. Immediately I love it, although I was disappointed by the interior. With the swanky looking outside, I had visions of a funked out inside of the plane. Maybe some P. Funk blasting and a roller rink with a disco ball. Ah, wishful thinking.
1:15 - We seem to be headed towards Iowa by going straight past Pennsylvania, Illinois and other middle-America states. I find this weird, because I always thought that the only way to get to Iowa was via the Bermuda Triangle time warp. This is really upsetting; I was hoping to meet up with Amelia Earhart along the way.
1:20 - Good lord am I hungry, it doesn't help that I am reading the Simpsons episode guide and I'm on the episode where Homer loves Flanders and wears that delicious looking tortilla hat with the cheese overflowing from the top ... Mmmm.
2:30 - Initial decent upon Iowa. For a few seconds there I actually thought we were going to land in a cornfield. That would have been oh so sweet.
3:20 central time - We are all on three buses and we pass a sign that reads "Cedar Rapids: City of Five Seasons." Puzzling. What is the fifth season? J. Norm responds, "Fummer." Hilarity ensues.
4:17 - "Who loves ya baby? You're beautiful." "I Love the 70's" is amazing, and sweet mother of sanity do I love the show Kojak. I flick around to another station in the hotel room and find the Crocodile Hunter. Is anyone going to be surprised when this crazy buffoon loses his head? You know it's going down one day; the man plays with fire every day. That's like eating at Putnams for every meal ... it will come back to haunt you.
8:00 - Me and the Norm head to the hotel bar for some drinks. A local Iowan approaches us as we try to use the jukebox. He tells us he doesn't like computers, referring to the jukebox. Everything I could have expected, and more, from an Iowan.
9:00-1:00 - A karaoke jam begins at the bar. I really could not ask for more than this. The Iowan from before starts to sing "The greatest love of all" by Whitney Houston. A truly sensational performance. Later on an Elvis impersonator comes up to do some karaoke, but he doesn't do an Elvis song. Nevertheless his performance is horrendous: it sounds like a cat dying a horrible death. One of the lower points of the night indeed. I really wish that coach Hofher was at the bar to do some karaoke. That would probably be the highlight of my life. Maybe some "Mr. Roboto" by Styx. Yeah, that would definitely be in order. Much later in the night, the original crazy Iowan himself returns to do a performance of "Interstate Love Song" by STP. He does it in the same tone as the Whitney song. As this blurry night rolls to an end, I realize that my life has peaked out at this very moment. I will most likely never be in Iowa again for some karaoke at a bar in Cedar Rapids. Woe. Me and Norman dropped 60 bucks at this place together. Not good, but welllll worth it.
10:00 a.m., next day - I'm reading some of the material we are given in the press box, and find that Merton Hanks, the former 49er and master of "the Funky Chicken," is a Iowa alum. I miss that funky chicken so bad. Without a doubt, it was the best end zone dance EVER (Hint, Hint UB players)!
10:55 - You know, I used to not give two craps about college bands, but now I just plain love them. The band, along with the mascot, creates an awesome college football experience that is lacking in any other sport. Seeing this in Iowa especially, a big time program, makes my love of the game grow even more. My moment of Zen quickly ends however, as the PA guy announces our team as the University OF Buffalo. God I hate that.
11:05 - Iowa brings out their mascot a la Macho King Randy Savage at Wrestemania 7, with four guys holding him up elevated off the ground on a platform. Someone needs to give Savage a job in the booth to commentate on games. He's just plain awesome. I sorely miss his WWF commentary. Instead of Dennis Miller a few years ago, Monday Night Football should have gone with Savage. It could have been the best thing ever. "Oooooh yeahhhh, Johnnn uh Maddenn uh, you better watch thooose extra Turduckens. Dig it!"
11:21 - Dave Dawson is alone in the backfield behind Randall Secky for the first play on offense. I can't even begin to imagine what is going through Dawson's head at that moment. It must be pretty intense knowing that some massive dudes are about to lay some hurt down. Much respect to all the UB guys, they lay their hearts on the line week in and out.
12:20 - The guy on our team with the best name has to be Zachary Love. You definitely could host your own loveline with a name like that. I can hear a Barry White voiceover going, "This is the Love show, with Zachary Looooove."
1:10 - Iowa cheerleaders are busting Victor E. Bulls' balls. Literally. They are taking him and smashing him into the goalpost groin first. That poor guy, how is he going to explain this to Victoria? Getting beat up by a bunch of Iowa cheerleaders, and a dead sex life. Goodnight Victor E.
That's all for now, obviously all the greatness of Iowa could not fit into one article, but if you want to hear more, find me and we will chat about a whole lot of nothing.
Jim Byrne also writes a weekly Bills column for the Erie Times-News that can be read on GoErie.com
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
