I don't want to jinx anything, but I am pretty sure that it is safe to say that the Bills will win the AFC East next season. Just take a look at the rest of the competition: The New York Jets now play in Washington, so you can scratch them out. Miami's best player Ricky Williams has been riding elephants all summer long (seriously, just check out runrickyrun.com), so it is obvious that his head is not in the game. And besides, if Jay Fiedler, Mr. Craptastic himself, is still the starting quarterback, well then that is just pathetic. The only team left to worry about is those damned New England Patriots. But hopefully the next whippersnapper that Demi Moore goes after is Tom Brady. If that's the case, then winning the division will be as easy as throwing an endzone to endzone touchdown pass in the original Tecmo Bowl! Boo bam!
Considering the Democrats have about 32 guys that are going to be running for president, I figured what the heck, why not throw in one more name? How about this, Portland Trailblazer Rasheed Wallace for president. You damn right! There is no way that anyone would mess with the United States if 'Sheed was the president. This man takes ish from no one.
Just imagine Wallace in full Blazer gear (and headband) at a United Nations hearing putting on those classic facial expressions whenever he hears something that he doesn't approve of. I'm sure Saddam would be shaking in his boots if he knew Rasheed was coming after him, and if Saddam tried any funny business, well then he'd have an entire team of Blazers on his tush. Tell me that's not a scary thought, having those crazy mofos come after you? Arvydas Sabonis looks like frigging Vigo from Ghostbusters 2. Yeah, you know him, the creepy dude in the painting. I still have nightmares about that freak. And lets not forget about Vice President Bonzi Wells I don't know about any of you, but I sure as hell would not mess with a guy named Bonzi.
Mo Vaughn has apparently found that weight that he had lost in the offseason. Tubby looks as big as ever. I just don't get how some of these "professionals" just let themselves go. My friend Birney from back home once told me that he saw Mo in a Burger King at four in the morning after he had hit two homers in a game in Montreal earlier in the night. Vaughn ordered four, FOUR, double cheeseburgers. This guy is getting paid mega-bucks to be a fat tub of goo and underachieve! For his sake I at least hope he was high, because that would explain his feast of epic proportions. Well he is a Met, so I am betting he was.
But I'm sure he wasn't as high as Mike Piazza when Piazza thought that it was a good idea to give the pope a Mets jersey. What I am wondering though, is what was on the back of the jersey. Was it a Piazza jersey? I'm honestly hoping that it was a customized jersey with the name "Pope John Paul" on the back. I'd be curious to see what number the pope would wear. Probably number 91. I bet he's a Dennis Rodman guy.
This brings us to the fan poll, which gives you the reader an opportunity to answer this week's burning question. This week's question is: Who does more drugs, Scott Layden or Tim Burton?
Scott Layden is the General Manager responsible for the disgrace that the Knicks have become. Scott is notorious for his acquisitions of players like Luc "I should be cleaning up after the Westminster Dog Show, not playing basketball" Longley and Travis " I average 1.3 points a game" Knight. Tim Burton on the other hand is the man behind movies such as Edward Scissorhands, a movie about a weird looking dude with SCISSORS attached to his hands, and Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a movie about Halloween themed clay pretending that it's Christmas. Yeah, exactly. It's a tough call, but you can give us your answer by e-mailing us at jbyrne@buffalo.edu or call me with your answer at 867-5309. My secretary Jenny will take your call.
On the topic of the Knicks, I had an idea for this year's draft that might have just turned that franchise around. What they should have done is traded the entire team for say, the last 11 picks in the first round. That seems like a fair deal to me, although some poor schmuck team would have ended up with Charlie "I think Jews are stubborn" Ward (Yes, Charlie actually said that). Then all the Knicks would have to do is bring in Charles Oakley to teach the rookies. Imagine that, life and NBA lessons from Charles Oakley. I'd bet he would have the Knicks in ship-shape in no time. How could the team not do well with little tidbits like this from Oakley: "Guys just come in and think it's easy now. Pimpin' ain't easy, pimpin' ain't dead. The hoes are just scared." Or how about this classic, "I'm cool with whatever. I'll just keep eating my bread, sipping my soup and serving my time. But the chicken is going to lay some more eggs one day." But nothing would beat the all-important lesson learned from Oakley's dealing with Tyrone Hill, on which he had this to say, "I don't do business with no clowns." Vintage Oakley.
Is it just me or do you think that if Smokey the Bear changed his name to Smokey the Pimp he would be a lot more popular with the chiquitas?
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
