It is a troubling world we live in - the specter of perpetual war and nuclear escalation has returned, fascist undertones have swept our government and the economy is facing red ink as far as the eye can see. Despite the looming danger both at home and abroad, New York was joyous this week with college basketball winding down and two New York teams winning the NCAA and NIT championships. Now that the season has ended, many players will be deciding between staying in school and trying out for the National Basketball Association.
After minutes of deep thought and meditation, I have decided to forego my final year of schooling and declare myself eligible for the NBA draft. This was not an easy decision to make, as I wanted to have a college degree behind me so when I finish playing, I could easily get a new job. But I am not hiring an agent, so on the off chance I don't get drafted, I will be able to return for my senior year.
There are many reasons why I should be drafted. First of all, no one knows me. When my name is announced, every other team will look around with stunned eyes. Analysts will scroll through pages of information to try and find some information about my life. Those parties will soon conclude I'm some sort of secret weapon that somehow slipped past their expert scouts. They'll completely reevaluate their programs and spend millions to find new talent to counter my greatness.
Since no team will have any information on my abilities, players will have no idea how to guard me and will not know what talents I would bring to my team. This will obviously cause opposing coaches to lose sleep, hair and respect for their players. The teams that didn't draft me will suffer unnecessary strain and mental anguish for passing up such a talent.
Once I lace up my shoes and don a uniform that will make me look ridiculous, I will lead a vocal public relations campaign to restore the image of the team in the community. Since I'd be a professional athlete, kids will look up to me. I will take time outs to read them books or sign autographs. I will be able to bring communities together thanks to the efforts of their local basketball franchise. If children challenge me to a game of basketball, I will boost their confidence by showing how they can put up a fight against a real NBA player. That type of public relations does not have a price tag.
Before a game starts, my beaming smile will bring people closer to the action and give them a real feel for the sport of professional basketball. I will make sure not to shoot many practice shots, as I don't want the opposition to analyze my talents before a game. I'd rather have them thinking I can hit a shot rather than confirming their assumptions.
Once the clock starts running, I'll probably take scattered lay-ups and be a great rebounder and passer, but I'd leave the shooting to the rest of the team. I'll be labeled more of a cheerleader or an assistant coach than a player. I know how to foul a guy, and sometimes you need someone out there with seconds on the clock to guard the guy who is inbounding the ball. Phil Jackson was famous during his Knicks years for doing that, so it is a well-worn and tried path. I'm also excellent at drawing charges and running around so those who are defending me have to run into picks and will risk injury.
When I'm drafted, I will be able to put all my worries and schoolwork behind me to focus my time mastering the ancient art of free throw shooting. Since I don't need a real job to make money, I can spend as many hours as I want attached to a free throw line to learn perfect arc and technique. Once I reach that level, I will become usable instead of "not at all" in late game situations.
After each game, I will happily take on the role of clubhouse leader and press liaison. I will use my inspiring story of emerging from nothingness to show how everyone else on my team needs to work harder so we can achieve our championship goals. Once they see how I've worked my entire life to reach this point, they will naturally play better. It is that simple.
Also, players often have trouble with reporters who constantly hound them asking for great insights. I will be in charge of writing speeches for those players and taking all the blame for losses at press conferences. Being the official scapegoat is tough work, but I'd rather the burden fall on me than on someone whose emotional stability could cost the team games in the standings.
On June 24, I will be wearing a suit at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, waiting for NBA commissioner David Stern to call my name. I will be rubbing elbows with LeBron James, Nick Collison and Marcus Hatten, among others. I'm going to try and remain professional and not ask for autographs, but some of those players really excite me. The choice is clear for any one of the NBA teams. There are several reasons why I should be drafted, but few of them have to do with my basketball talents. As a 5'10" skinny white guy, I really couldn't be any worse than Frederick Weis.
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
