Excess body weight can be cause for distress on many levels, whether it's an extra 10 pounds that puts that tiny bikini just out of reach or a 200 pound excess that can be life-threatening. But UB is at the forefront in the development of a breakthrough weight loss method, with UB students being the first to test the effects of the new drug.
"We, as intellectual beings, have finally learned to explore alternative methods to reaching our goals," said Danielle Kilbur, lead researcher in the Vib-ChloraLife project. "The discovery of Vib-ChloraLife shows that thinking outside the box can have positive results."
Vib-ChloraLife is made up in part by vibrio chlorae, bacteria that were discovered to have the ability to accelerate weight loss after being accidentally spilled by a microbiology lab student.
"I was just doing my lab one day when my lab partner spilled something from a culture on me," said Joan Breinles, a sophomore biotechnology major. "She had a look on her face like she made a horrible mistake, but she quickly said, 'It was only a little water in that one, you're fine,' so I forgot about it."
According to Breinles, "just forgetting" about the mishap in her lab proved to be impossible, as it became obvious the culture dish held more than just water.
"When I got home, I had these nagging stomach cramps, but I looked at least 10 pounds thinner," said Breinles. "I just had to go show off my new smoking body at this party on Englewood. The diarrhea was a little pesky, but I threw one of those diaper things for people with bladder problems and went to paint the town."
When the diarrhea persisted, Breinles went to her physician - who, after multiple diagnoses - found the cause of her illness to be an infection of vibrio chlorae. This microorganism can cause its host to lose 50 percent of his or her body weight in a minimal amount of time, mostly due to extreme fluid loss of one liter per hour.
Symptoms of infection also include muscle cramps, severe thirst, sunken eyes, apathy, circulatory problems, severe dehydration and "rice water stool" diarrhea. After it has ravaged the body with these ailments, a vibrio chlorae infection usually ends in death.
According to Kilbur, however, the lifestyles of many college students make them less susceptible to death from a vibrio chlorae infection.
"We found that all the beer college students ingest, combined with their propensity for a healthy sex life, gave them the ability to ward off the fatal effects of the bacteria," said Wilbur. "The average college student was able to enjoy the wonderful weight loss factor, without dying. That's when we knew we had something amazing on our hands."
Kilbur cited another reason for choosing college students as initial test subjects.
"Off the record, honestly, college students aren't really productive members of society," she said. "They're at the age of angst where they annoy the government by protesting everything and destroy things in their mosh pits and drunken tirades. If a few of them died, I wouldn't cry."
Oblivious to the views of the drug's creator, some university students continue to advocate Vib-ChloraLife's positive effects.
Sharrie Johnson, a junior psychology major said Vib-ChloraLife has changed her life for the better.
"I look so much better than I did two weeks ago. I've lost almost 70 pounds," she said. "I'm sure once the swelling in my ankles goes down from four times their normal size, I can get that cute guy in my psychology class to ask me out."
Those who have not joined in the Vib-ChloraLife craze said they see its effects all around them.
"Forget J.Lo, give me Fiona Apple after she's been on Vib-ChloraLife for a few days," said James Lipschitz, a sophomore undecided major. "I've always been a huge fan of waif-like chicks. I look around, and I see girls looking the way they're supposed to look. I'm going to have to say Vib-ChloraLife is almost as good as sliced bread."
Ryan McDay, a freshman communication major, said though he enjoys the new look Vib-ChloraLife has given his girlfriend, the side effects sometimes pose a problem.
"Well, she looks a whole lot better in short skirts since she's lost all the weight," he said. "I just wish we didn't have to keep spraying Febreeze every time she got into and out of my car. Can't they find a way to get rid of the diarrhea factor?"
Dana Barnett, a senior majoring in computer science, said the side effects that her boyfriend suffered made her encourage him to stop taking the drug.
"Whenever George would come over to my place, I'd always try to keep a lot of fluids around. He gets really thirsty because of the drug," she said. "One day, I must have forgotten to restock before he came over because when he greeted me with a deep kiss I tasted my toilet bowl cleaner. That's when I told him it was either Vib-ChloraLife or me."
According to Wilbur, the possible side effects of Vib-ChloraLife depend on the individual taking the drug.
"This drug is not for everyone," said Wilbur. "As I said, a healthy sex life is a major player in Vib-ChloraLife's effect on the body. Last week a freshman was untruthful about his sex life, and vibrio chlorae resulted in death for him. We're now looking into Vib-ChloraLife as a lie detector."
After hearing the results of her son's autopsy, the dead boy's mother joined the Anti-Vib-ChloraLife Coalition to protest the production and distribution of the drug.
"Is this even America?" said Kathryn Cream. "How can a company market something that will kill you if you don't have sex often enough? This is deadly bacteria we're talking about. Has everyone lost their minds? Where is the FDA?"
The Food and Drug Administration refused to comment, citing a "conflict of interest with the government" as the reason for their disinterest in the marketing of a potentially deadly drug to college students.
Jermaine Older, a sophomore biology major, said even if the FDA refuses to "do its duty," university students have the responsibility to use common sense to protect themselves from such "blatant disregard for their well-being."
"All those people taking Vib-CloraLife are fools," he said. "Anyone who would ingest deadly bacteria and risk death to lose a little weight must have serious mental issues."
Sean Joseph, a freshman pharmacy major, agreed the side effects of Vib-ChloraLife are far too severe to warrant taking the drug.
"Is it really that necessary to be a size zero? I prefer a lady with a little something I can grab on to," he said. "And preferably one that doesn't get 'rice-water stool' all over my bed. I especially like girls with normal eye sockets and ankles that aren't swollen to 10 times their normal size. It would also be nice if she didn't run the risk of dying in two weeks."
Nicole Johnson, a sophomore dance major, said the critics of Vib-ChloraLife are "hindering a medical marvel."
"I think all those people who don't want to take it should just leave those of us who do alone," she said. "So what if it didn't pass any FDA guidelines for human testing before it was marketed to us? At least it was tested on plants."
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
