Considering the Democrats have about 32 guys that are going to be running for president, I figured what the heck, why not throw in one more name? How about this: Portland Trailblazer Rasheed Wallace for president. There is no way that anyone would mess with the United States if 'Sheed was the president. This man takes ish from no one.
Just imagine Wallace in full Blazer gear (and headband) at a United Nations hearing putting on those classic facial expressions whenever he hears something that he doesn't approve of. I'm sure Saddam would be shaking in his boots if he knew Rasheed was coming after him, and if Saddam tried any funny business, well, then, he'd have an entire team of Blazers coming after him. Tell me that's not a scary thought, having those crazy mofos come after you? Arvydas Sabonis looks like Vigo from Ghostbusters 2. I still have nightmares about that guy. And Vice President Bonzi Wells? I don't know about any of you, but I would not mess with a guy named Bonzi.
So hey, if you don't want to vote for some jobber Democrat or the guy that blew lines, then just write in Rasheed Wallace as your president in 2004.
Happy days were abundant for me over holiday break with the Dolphins collapsing and missing the playoffs. So in honor of their choke-job, I will offer $5 and a cup of Won Ton soup to the person who comes up with the best Dolphins insult. All you have to do is IM my housemate, whose screename is "NFLDolfans," with the insult and E-mail the conversation to ubsports@hotmail.com. The results will be posted in two weeks.
Enough is enough. Jennifer Lopez is the most overrated girl in the history of girls. Her music SUCKS, her acting SUCKS, and, in fact, she's straight up ugly when she isn't wearing all that makeup. Maybe it's me, but I think she looks a hell of a lot more like Scottie Pippen crossed with a Boglin than she looks pretty. And who gives themselves a nickname? J. Lo. That's like the time this kid asked to start being called "drolics," as in hydrolics. Just plain asinine.
There, I said it. SOMEONE had to address the fact that J.Lo just plain blows. Just like someone had to make "Girls Gone Wild," featuring Snoop Dogg as the cameraman. It just had to be made, and it's an amazing idea, if I don't say so myself.
"They cage the animals at night." You have heard the expression before, or maybe even made a paper-machet diorama about it for a book report back in middle school. But this is something totally different; this is my theory. It might be a little wild, and a little crazy, but I've spent many hours watching endless tapes of "My Little Pony" and "Hey Dude" while guzzling grain alcohol and pondering this. So hang with me and believe.
There are at least three entertainers/athletes that I know of that are currently being caged at night due to the fact that they are insane, yet when put on television they generate a lot of attention and ratings ?Ae? la "Sloth" from "The Goonies," so it's all "OK" in the end. But that's just not right, they are humans after all! OK, well, let me tell you who they are.
The first one is the most obvious. Ozzy Osbourne. If you can't tell that this guy is caged up and driven around and placed in random locations for televisions shoots, well, then, you're just blind. I figured it out when I saw an episode where he was down on the beach up to his ankles in the water, throwing logs around and yelling about sour cream and Stan Humphries or something. It's definitely obvious that Ozzy is kept in a cage and then released whenever the producers need to make a show. "Okay, Ozzy, here we are at the beach, now get out of this cage and go do something crazy," say the directors. "Jadfdpsofjuw," responds Ozzy, that poor slob.
The next two are both wildmen themselves and might be a little less obvious to the casual "searcher for men who are kept in cages." First up, former Bears quarterback Jim McMahon. "Where has that guy been for the last 10 years," you ask? Well duh, in a cage! This poor son of a flutie was last seen on the football field back in the '80s and early '90s when he wasn't gnawing on the metal bars in his cage. "How do you know he was caged," you wonder? Have you ever seen the guy without his helmet on or without those famous sunglasses he always sported? If you have, then you know. The guy has the craziest eyes ever and looks completely nuts; he'd probably guzzle pepper straight from the shaker if you asked him to. Definitely the kind of person that Mike Ditka would have as a quarterback. Someone you could call "Captain Insano." But you can't just lock people up when they aren't shuffling to the Super Bowl.
The final raving lunatic is former WWF superstar Macho Man Randy Savage. The evidence: His entrance music is graduation music, he wears outfits that would literally cause Joan Rivers to drop dead (not a bad thing, however). He also has the Jim McMahon eyes, though only noticeable when he isn't wearing his ridiculous sunglasses that he most likely can't see out of, and the guy has streamers attached to his jackets. There's more on him, but I could go on for days. I believe that this guy is a Vince McMahon genetic experiment gone wrong, so they had no other option but to cage him up. McMahon got the super wrestler he wanted, but I guess insanity, or "Macho Madness" in this case, comes with the territory as well. So they caged him up and set him free for matches. I even heard they had to use "the "Mountie's" cattle prod to get him back in the cage. It's all just so sad.
Tune in next time for Arch Deluxes and Deion Sanders Trinity Broadcasting Network (that crazy religious channel with the pink-haired lady) appearance.
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
