I miss the golden days of New York sports. You know, back in the good old days when Charlie Ward was the best quarterback in New York, John Starks was popping threes for the Knicks, and when Giants quarterback Dave Brown had just his last name on his jersey and not his first and last name like he does now with the Cardinals. Poor schlep. Ah, yes, those were the days. My favorite part, however, will always be the Jets short-lived quarterback, Neil O'Donnell. God, I loved that guy. He was just so classic. There was nothing like a blindside sack of O'Donnell courtesy of Bruce Smith. It was a thing of beauty.
Yet the best thing about O'Donnell were his Radio Shack commercials. He did those things with about as much emotion as Nate Dogg shows in the Regulator's video, which is none, in case you didn't know. O'Donnell belonged on T.V. in a non-football role sort of like how Pee-Wee Herman and Jeffrey Jones belong in a pre-school, if you catch my drift.
"Half Past Dead." A movie starring Ja Rule and Steven Seagal. Why, why, why? How can movies this atrocious looking even be released? What were the executives behind this thinking? Wasn't "Exit Wounds" enough? The real question is, however, WHO IN THE NAME OF GOD WOULD WANT TO SEE THIS? I can't even describe my feelings for this fully in The Spectrum. Between Jack and Kelly Osbourne taking over television, and now this, I truly feel that the end is near for all of us.
So why not put me in charge of making movies? I have plenty of great ideas! How about a movie starring Allen Iverson and Ronald McDonald as they try to solve crazy mysteries? It may sound stupid, but man would it be funny. Just think about Ronald mocking "A.I." to the tune of Iverson's "practice" rant after he sees him coming out of Burger King. I'm telling you right now, comedic gold.
RM: Hey Allen, what do you have there?
AI: I gots Burger King, man.
RM: Burger King? ... (expletive), were talkin' bout Burger King? Man, how silly is that?
AI: I'll (expletive) kill you clown man, aight?
(Ronald looks to his pocket with a menacing stare like he's going to pull out a gun, but instead pulls out a McDonalds Apple Pie with a smile on his face.)
I shot out of my bed the other night after having the most terrible nightmare that I've ever had. I am still scarred from what went on in my mind. In fact, I was questioning if I should even write about it. But I decided to do it anyway. The other night I dreamt that I was hooking up with Reggie Miller's look-a-like sister, Cheryl Miller. AH! Man, it scares the piss out of me just thinking about it. It was like making love to a wig-wearing E.T.
But then I said to myself, "Jim, get a grip on yourself, how do you think it feels to be her husband?" I felt a whole lot better after that, because I mean, jeez, what are that guy's nightmares like? So I gave him a call, and he told me all about it. Let's just say it's not fit to print. But for the curious, I'll give you a little hint. It has to deal with Regis Philbin breast-feeding "the Baby" from the show "Dinosaurs." Yikes. Nuff said there, I'd say.
And now it's time for this week's fan poll! This week's burning question has been one that has crossed my mind countless times this past week. Amazingly, it even has crossed my mind more than the question of "Who the HELL is Lord Amherst?" But that's for another time.
This week's question is who gives better post game interviews. Is it the San Francisco Giants Benito Santiago, who sounds something like a twisted version of Dikembe Mutombo and the Taco Bell Chihuahua rolled into one, or is it former NFL "star" Natrone Means? After the 95-96 playoff game between the Jaguars and the Bills, Natrone gave perhaps the single best interview in NFL history. You could tell it was an instant classic because the guy was obviously even more cracked out than the people that came up with the Dewey Decimal System. And I think that says a lot right there. So send in your answers, and the results will be released next time.
How could you do it Antoine Winfield? HOW COULD YOU?!? When I first saw those Cellino and Barnes commercials with Winfield in them I nearly yuked up my meal from Putnams. Not like I wouldn't have anyway, but that, like Lord Amherst, is for another day.
Many emotions ran through me when I saw that commercial. I just couldn't believe that Antoine sold his soul to the devils themselves. Maybe he was possessed by that evil glare that they give off. You know the one. Everyone knows it. When you look into their eyes, it's like looking into the depths of hell, only much worse. Besides "Michael Jackson: Moonwalker" for Sega Genesis, there is nothing more evil than that stare. We can only pray for Antoine now.
Our prayers are with you Antoine. God bless.
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
