Byrned to a Crisp

Pittsburgh Steelers' running back Jerome Bettis must have been one of those guys that found a magic lamp at some point in his lifetime. How else would you explain how he got where he is today? You know one of his wishes was to play in the NFL. There is no way a guy that big can move that fast, unless he is being helped by some mythical genie. I mean c'mon, have you seen the size of the guy's jaloppers? Those bad boys would make Dolly Parton jealous.

There aren't two more poorly run organizations in the world than the New York Knicks and 1-800-Collect. The Knicks have players like Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley, who have about as much potential to be good players as Steve Sanders from 90210 has to be a movie star. Then you have 1-800-Collect who has hired David Arquette and "Carrot Top" to do their commercials. What was the logic behind that? Does anybody like these guys? I seriously think they are two of the most hated people in America. You know it's bad when you're a step below Radio Shack, who has Howie "toaster head" Long and Terri "give me some more plastic surgery" Hatcher running the promos.

Man I certainly do love NASCAR. Is there any other sport that has a more hilarious fan base? What would we do without these people? We couldn't make inbreeding jokes anymore, the comedian Gallagher would be out of a job, and we couldn't make fun of anyone who actually bought the repulsive Pontiac Aztec. Although there are some crack heads out there that also own it as well.

And with that, here is a 'Byrned to a Crisp' debut: NASCAR news! Here goes ... A bunch of cars drove around in a circle this weekend, and then when one finished first a bunch of redneck hicks celebrated. Simply exhilarating.

Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators and Minnesota Wild. Those are the kinds of names you would expect coming out of some garbage soccer league like the MLS or WUSA, not the NHL. What's the deal guys? On second thought, what can you expect from a league that created a team based on an Emilio Estevez movie. And no, I'm not talking about "Men at Work."

In Figure Skating news Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, better known as the "crying ice fairies," have returned to the rink. As a nation the only thing we can hope for in this as that Tonya Harding's thug-4-hire returns and mistakes their faces for their knees.

Heading into last night's Miami Dolphins game against the New York Jets, Ray Lucas has been running the Dolphins late-season swoon machine to perfection. Six interceptions in two games and a 33.5 quarterback rating, the perfect recipe for a Miami disaster. And boy were those two games fun to watch, with Ray Lucas looking more like Ray Charles out there throwing the ball. Hopefully he kept it up last night against the Jets, which I'm sure he did. If so, the swoon is in full swing and the good times are rolling.

But as humorous as Lucas' performances were, no Dolphins performance will ever be as hilarious as Miami's 63-7 drubbing courtesy of the Jacksonville Jaguars in the 99-00 playoffs in what would be Dan Marino's last game. The only time I laughed harder than that was in 5th grade when Mr. Madeux presented the "Sex Education Video" to the males of the class. There is nothing funnier in 5th grade than a picture of a dude's wanker with some guy's voiceover going, "this is your penis." I almost poohed my pants that day. Follow it up with the "Good touches, Bad touches" cartoon video where a kid's uncle invites him to "wrestle" in a locked room and you have priceless 5th grade comedy.

Madeux told us we weren't mature (he pronounced it mah-tur), but that's what life is all about. Wee-wee jokes.