He circles his prey, sizing her up from every angle. Assessing her plumage and grooming abilities, he has narrowed his focus, and it appears he has found her - his potential mate. He slinks up behind, keeping his eyes focused on her every move; finally he lets out his mating call.
"Hey baby, can I, uh, buy you a drink?"
The mating call of the Testosteronis Buffalonius, more commonly known as the Buffalo Man, is distinct and unforgettable.
Easily identified by his markings as a member of the Abercrombius phylum, our subject is adorned with ripped pants, fashioned out of denim. Some areas of the blue jeans show discoloration, as if they have been bleached or blasted with sand.
His skin is tinted a golden-brown to orange hue, and his hair, which is lighter at the tips than the roots, stands on its end. Scientists believe that the purpose of the hair spiking is two-fold, aiding both in the attraction of the female and in defense. These gelled spikes, arduously placed to provide a tousled look, could easily tear through flesh.
His upper body is covered with a light gray T-shirt, marked "Abercrombie," which allows members of the same and opposite sex to learn of his phylum from a distance.
His surroundings provide the perfect camouflage during the mating season, which lasts 51 weeks in any given year. From his vantage point at his favorite watering hole, Buffalo Man has the distinct advantage of blending in with the other members of the Abercrombius phylum, for each one is nearly indistinguishable from the next.
Often, several of the males will compete for the attention of a single female by flaunting their desirable attributes before her. The "dance of attraction," as it is sometimes called, is loosely structured; however, do not confuse it with a random or haphazard occurrence. It is an art.
Buffalo Man saunters to the female, letting out his mating call. If she already has a mate, often she will ignore Buffalo Man, or pretend she is engaged in another conversation.
The Buffalo Man inexperienced in the dance of attraction will often use a poor mating call such as, "You have nice teeth." This almost always results in immediate failure.
If, however, the mating call is properly executed and the female is interested, the dance begins; the first move is his.
"So, um, you come here often?" Buffalo Man asks, apparently unaware that his voice has already cracked twice and his hands are shaking.
"No, it's my first time here. Is it a good place?" she asks timidly.
Buffalo Man has the opportunity to regain control here. She has offered him a forum in which he can disclose his opinions; he recognizes his opportunity and takes it.
"Well, normally I like a bar that is a little more (insert seemingly appropriate adjective here)," he says.
This shows the female that Buffalo Man is well traveled, and his knowledge of foreign places is vast.
Generally, Buffalo Man views the following as worthy of acclaim from the female: travel, wealth, superior muscle mass, clothing, and ability to consume large quantities of alcoholic beverages.
Often intelligence does not figure into the dance of attraction. It is rare that Buffalo Man values this characteristic.
His focus on location also indicates that he has been to watering holes with more acclaim than the present one, and assumes that the female either has also frequented these places, or wishes she had, giving Buffalo Man the upper hand.
In closely analyzing the subjects' proxemics, or the study of the social and behavioral aspects of spatial distances between subjects, it is easy to see the female's plan of attack.
She leans closer to him, angling her body toward his, suggesting a piqued interest. The two exchange names, and the institutions of higher learning at which they study.
Buffalo Man leans in, most likely whispering insults about the other gentlemen at the bar - gentlemen who were at one time potential mates for the female.
"Yo, look at that dude over there," Buffalo Man says. "Are those tapered jeans? He looks so, like, 1992."
He has honed in on the important "clothing" category in the aforementioned characteristics worthy of acclaim. By pointing out the flaws in other potential mates, she will think he is superior, due to his status in the Abercrombius phylum.
The next move is hers; she executes it with precision.
A long high pitched giggle emits from the female, as she traces the line of her collarbone, subtly calling attention to her exposed skin.
Buffalo Man notices and has taken the bait.
He offers to purchase her another drink. She accepts, graciously, fluttering her eyelashes.
The dance continues, as the pair grapples for control.
By the end of the encounter, the Buffalo Man has incorporated muscle mass and acumen in consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages into the conversation. Also, his ability to afford said beverages at the watering hole denotes his superior wealth.
He is set for the evening; it seems that coitus will ensue within mere hours.
He goes in for the kill now, asking the female to accompany him to his den, often referred to as his "crib," "pad," or the bold "love shack."
After a short pause, her answer is a resounding "no."
How could this be? The male has executed the attack with precision.
Ahh, yes. To the trained eye, it has become clear.
Sadly, the creature he chose to pursue is from the kingdom, phylum and order Estroginius Intelligum Buffalonius, commonly known as the Smart Buffalo Woman.
Methodically and almost cruelly, she had anticipated his every move, staying one step and two free drinks ahead. Inferior wit and a heavy reliance on animal instincts ensured Buffalo Man's demise. His opponent was too cunning, and from the beginning, he was doomed to fail.
