As a server at a popular restaurant on Niagara Falls Boulevard, I have begun to understand a lot about society in general. It would be a good estimation to say that over 50 percent of you are completely oblivious as to how to behave in a restaurant. In case you did not know, the average server walks 3.8 miles in a six hour shift, so I really don't have the time or the energy to deal with your acts of ignorance. Therefore, I have gathered a list of rules that if you abide by when dining out you will almost always receive outstanding service.
-You are seated in a spot for a reason; there is no reason you need to ask to move.
-When asked, "How are you?" DO NOT say, "Coke." It will not kill you to acknowledge me as a person.
-When you call me "hey you," "waitress," etc., my selective hearing disorder will come into effect. I told you my name for a reason.
-You are the 483rd person to ask me how long it took to learn to write my name upside down. It's not original.
-I don't have time to watch you read the menu; if you need another minute, tell me.
-At a restaurant of greater scale than Denny's after 4 p.m., DO NOT order a sandwich. I don't care about your water and ham sandwich when I have tables eating steaks and drinking beer.
-It is much harder for me to recite the 12 dressings six times than for you to listen when I tell everyone else at your table, so listen.
-If I don't say peppercorn dressing, we don't have it.
-REMEMBER what you ordered. If someone other than your server brings the food, they don't know what you ordered, and she doesn't care if you had chicken parm when she has a strip steak in her hand, so no one needs to talk except the strip steak person.
-Everyone tell me what you need at the same time. There is no reason to take five trips besides the fact that you are too lazy to think when I ask the first twelve times "Do you need anything else?"
-I am not a cook. I should not be punished for a cook's mistake as long as I take action to solve the problem.
-No waving at me from 40 feet away, I'M COMING!
-Do not ask anyone besides YOUR server for anything. Other servers have their own guests.
-NEVER talk to me while I am at another table, you are not any more important than they are, so there is no need to interrupt me.
-If you come late, you have to realize that at midnight, I am doing multiple person's jobs, service at 12 a.m. is not the same as service at 7 in the evening, things take longer, deal with it.
-Teach children to behave in public. I will laugh when Johnny learns a lesson by me tripping over him with five hot plates when he runs across my path coming out of the kitchen if you let your kids behave like a restaurant is a playground.
-Servers hate cheap people more than anything. Sharing is not necessary. Order your own food, and no, you cannot have a kids' meal.
-If you insist on being cheap, do not be blatantly obvious. The first words out of your mouth should not be "Is lemonade free refills?" I hate you automatically.
-If you can't afford to eat at a real restaurant (which includes tipping) go to McDonalds.
-15 to 20 percent is AVERAGE gratuity. If I give you excellent service, I don't deserve average.
-Gratuity is based on total before coupons. Just because you got a discount doesn't mean I didn't work just as hard.
-Restaurants are not campgrounds. When you sit at my table for three hours, you are costing me tables (i.e. tips). COMPENSATE!
-The Golden Rule: If I hook you up, you hook me up. If I don't charge you for something, or gave you boxes on all-you-can-eat rib night, I did you a favor, do me one.
Courteous, respectful people who know how to behave in a restaurant always receive the best service and the most hook-ups. Therefore, if you take the time to realize that your server is a not a psychic superperson who knows all and can perform any duty at any second, you will almost always be pleased with your dining experiences.
For those of you that don't, however, you know that comment card you fill out at the end? Yeah, that has your address on it, and you know that flaming bag of dog poo you got last week? That was from me.
