Girls love to talk about relationships. I mean it, they love relationships, the gossip, the intrigue, the chance to judge their friends on taste, you name it, if it involves relationships, the female of our species is all over it. I read columns, written by professional journalists (who are female), on relationships. So I thought that I would use this space allotted to me, being one of the two male members on staff with a column, to discuss relationships.
Now, I know that there are already those of you who none of what I'll put forth here will apply to you. For you "special cases" out there, I am acknowledging the fact you exist, thus precluding you from writing me an eight-thousand-word letter explaining to me what an idiot I am. I digress.
The male human, or guys, as they are colloquially known, generally enters into relationships for one of two reasons. Reason one being that they genuinely have feelings for someone who somehow finds a way to overlook their faults. Reason two being they had no other options and aren't attractive enough to play the field.
The female human, or girls/women, have a different approach. I like to call this the "batting lineup" approach. Basically, it works a little like this: Each female (excluding you special ones out there) has a preferred order in her potential partners. Generally there are four or five categories to these unwitting souls.
The Number One. The Number One is the individual for which a gal has the strongest feelings. They are foremost in the heart and mind of an XX chromosomally aligned person. The Number One can double as the person with which they have an active relationship, or the first on the list should they have their way.
Next up, the Number Two. The Two is a transient figure. Twos can come and go, and often change from being one person to another. The Two is generally more physically attractive than the One. And they have more money, social status or something superficial that the One seems to think is important. The object of the Two is to act as a check on the One, just like Congress is to the president. The girl will in effect say, "Hey One, don't screw up or I'll go to Two." The One is intimidated by the Two, thus keeping One faithful, aware of her needs, and generous with gifts of jewelry and flowers.
Should things fall through with One, the newly available woman will use the Two as a rebound relationship, immediate fling, or . wait, no, those are the only two options.
The Number Three is, in my opinion, the most interesting in the pantheon of potential mates. Three is the confidant, the "best friend," the person to whom a female will confess her feelings about One and Two. Three is the individual that she is most honest with. Number Three, by the time college rolls around, is the most likely permanent mate.
Three is everything she really wants in someone, the person under her nose the whole time that she doesn't realize exists until one of three things happen.
Ok, so that's actually four things, but I think we all get the idea. Number One is not threatened by Three, since, unlike Two, Three possesses none of the threatening superficial things One thinks she values, but doesn't.
I'll pause while everyone reads that again.
Moving right along, after the fling with Two ends, the average girl may very well realize that Three is the person she had true feelings for all along, they get together, 'cause after all, Three loved her the whole time too. Touching, isn't it?
Four, Five and Six are more esoteric figures in a female's life. They are the people who she knows want her, but she has no real connection with any of them. Four, Five and Six are in her classes, they live down the hall or in the next apartment over. Four, Five and Six may be eye candy, they may be fun to party with, they may even be the designated driver. Four, Five and Six might even make it to being flirt-worthy on a particularly bad stretch, an inebriated rage or existential quandary. Four, Five and Six never remain in her life in any permanent capacity.
After Four, Five and Six, the water gets murky. Seven, Eight and Nine are the extras, while the previous individuals make up the lead and the supporting cast. Seven, Eight and Nine are the people she meets in a bar, waiting for a bus, or even worse, standing in line at the dining hall or those interminable lines at Campus Caf?(c). She'll engage these people in petty conversation, play a little mental compatibility game in her head and then move on. If they're bold, they might try and purchase her a drink; if they're timid, at most they might ask her for her name and major. Seven, Eight and Nine can be fun for five minutes, but these are the people that she'll give last year's phone number to or, at best, an Instant Messenger screen name.
The female is a complexity, an enigma and, for me, an unsolvable riddle. People have tried out hypotheses for centuries to explain relationship behavior. I think this particular theory is applicable to enough people that it works fairly well. Someone told me that they might have read something like this before. If so, I've never heard anything like it, but whoever they are, they can feel free to be the Leibnitz to my Newton, or Wallace to my Darwin. Either way, the beauty behind it is simply that it's an observation, and no discernable method to circumvent what I see as simply a trend. The old adage says that boys will be boys; perhaps girls will be girls, and that should be enough to suffice.
Photo: Meredith Forrest Kulwicki
