Last Friday, the UB Students' Party, who were overwhelmingly defeated during the Student Association elections two weeks ago, held the winning Results Party hostage for 18 hours in 350 Student Union, the SA office.
The party threatened to tie SA President Christian Oliver to a giant dart board and harpoon him unless the Results stepped down from their positions, provided $367 worth of "stickers for condoms" and handed over newly-elected SA Vice President Jennifer Brace's superb pair of spike-heeled leather boots.
"It was the most terrifying experience of my life," said Oliver. "I have never seen such deplorable election tactics in the 10 years I've been in SA!"
His assistant-turned-NYSSA-delegate Katie Walsh comforted the crying president, stroking his hair and singing Oliver's favorite childhood lullaby: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
According to Oliver, the UB Students' Party entered the office at approximately 4:30 p.m., armed with katanas (samurai swords), shurikens (silver stars) and decked out in leather ninja gear. After attempting to negotiate with former presidential candidate Jason Litwak, the police resorted to tear gas and riot gear, and put the UB Students under arrest. Former NYSSA candidates Vinny Rondinelli and Carrie McElroy managed to escape and were last seen boarding a plane to Prague.
Litwak, who is awaiting arraignment with his party in Amherst Town Court, said Oliver "misinterpreted" his party's "serious contesting" of the election as being held hostage.
"Those 1,374 students who voted for my opponent are clearly part of an exclusive SA inner-circle intent on stifling the voices of many average, apathetic, who-gives-a-sh- students at UB," said Litwak. "We thought it was time to end the nepotism, crony-ism and rascal-ism that has gone rampant at UB."
"I got that last line from 'Oh Brother Where Art Thou,'" he added.
Former NYSSA candidate Melinda Mulawka said she couldn't understand why the Results Party was upset by her party's show of Machiavellian-ism at it's best.
"Since when do people get that upset over a little coup d'?(c)tat?" asked Mulawka. "It happens in small South American countries all the time . why not at UB?"
Current SA Vice President Joshua Korman and SUNY Trustee George Pape were injured during the terrifying hostage event. While attempting to flee from the scene, Korman tripped on a desk repaired with $50 nails and fractured his leg; Pape fell over stacks of Visions magazine and bruised his forehead.
"I have pretty bad coordination," said Korman from his hospital bed in Erie County Medical Center. "This has been my only weakness and it finally came back to haunt me."
"Oh my face!" Pape screamed. "My gorgeous, Noxema-fresh face! Darn you, UB Students' Party! Darn you!"
With regard to the party's demands, UB Students' presidential candidate Litwak said the students' social life is dependent on the availability of SA condoms.
"No one should have to endure a cashier's beady little eyes staring them down while they purchase prophylactics," said Litwak. "I'm sure many couples need to fantasize about SA to get into the moment of love and should no longer be deprived of that pleasure!"
"If he wanted the condoms, all he had to do was ask," said Oliver. "God knows we'd want him to use them."
Former UB Students' vice presidential candidate Mike Sciortino is convinced Brace's "diva boots" took the election away from his grasp. "Those heels command respect," said Sciortino. "Plus, they would look great with my new suit."
"The only thing he'll be wearing is an orange jump suit when they haul him off to prison!" exclaimed Brace. "How dare he try to steal my precious mojo and even if he had succeeded, my pinstripes truly exude the combination of professionalism and sex appeal UB's conscientious voting populous has come to expect of its candidates."
As a result of the hostage situation that occurred, independent NYSSA candidate Gregory Haynes decided not to return from his spring break trip to southern France.
"Thank God I didn't run with any of those idiots," said Haynes.
